Or, if you’ve like what’s known as an abbreviated verion, we can do that too. We’re versatile like that:
25: Tim Robbins – Greenwich, Sarandon, Rocky Horror
24: Vlad The Barber – Soft Hands, Warm Heart
23: Jason Mulgrew – Fair Enough
22: White Outfit Guy In The LES – Lil Crazy, Lotta White
21: Todd at Schillers – New York Sour, On Me, Nuff Said
20: David Copperfield – Poof Bitches
19: Melky Cabrera – Matsui Whoey?
18: Bouncer James at Motor City – Sup Dawg
17: Frank the Bodega Indian – Thank You, Come Again
16: Lillo Brancato – Don’t Do Drugs
15: Foxy Brown – Don’t Steal Shit, Don’t Beat Up Your Manicurist
14: Robin Byrd – Classic
13: Joe Bendik – “People Suck”
12: San Loco Employees on Stanton St. – One Bean Burrito Grande
11: Andre Agassi – Dude won again last night!
Now, Part 2 and the Top 10 of the HBCC’s FIRST EVER, 25 MOST HANDSOMEST NEW YORKERS.
10. Iron Chef Morimoto – "But he's not a New Yorker, he's Japaneeesssseeee." Whatever, say what you will dirty knees, Morimoto's got Philly on lock and now he's get a New York joint as well. But say what you will about his restaurants: back in the day, this MF'er owned the kitchen stadium. Of course, we've never met the dude, but his name is handsome, and he makes food that makes the ladies want to bang us in the bathroom of his NYC restaurant on the warmed seat covers that they have. Plus, you know that deep down inside, the only way this guy comes up with some of the amazing food that he has is because he's a stoic Japanese stoner. Just once I'd love to sit in one of those sessions: "What if we get some electric eel, fill it with caviar and serve it in a conch shell on a flaming platter, with sake to drink?" HANDSOME BANZAI!!9. The Staten Island Little League Team – Let me set the scene here: Qualifying rounds of the Little League World Series, down by one, last at-bat coming up for the Staten Island Little League Team. Coach pulls the team together for one last motivational speech. And then Johnny CurseWord steps up and represents Shaolin to the fullest:
And you KNOW the HBCC thinks fucking cursing is Handsome. Well done kids!!
8. TIE: F Train/ V Train/ M15 Bus – The only inanimate objects to make the list, but whatup LES chariots of fire?! Next stop Allen and Houston, then bust down a block to Stanton, crossover Allen, try not to get sucked into Epsteins, get sucked into Epsteins, get drunk, give a cigarette to LES-guy-dressed-in-all-white, leave, get a slice at Rosarios, got to the Skinny, drink $1.50 PBRs, leave, go to Rosarios, get a slice, go to Motor City Bar, shots, watch the go-go dancer, leave, go to 151, shots, PBRs, leave, Delancey, something something, leave, walk, fall, stumble, laugh, throw-up, San Loco, stupid sauce, burp, slur, leer, stare, SLAP, laugh, leave, yell, fall down, cabhomebed, what happened?
7. The New York Post Copy Editors – Whoooaaaaa, nothing screams handsome like a good play on words. And you just can NOT front on "Hot Wang Notches 15th Win" The Post has always been a solid contender, including favorites like, "DEATH COMET" (Last year's Columbia shuttle disaster), "NYPD JEW" (City hires first Hasidic Cop who turns out to not really be Hasidic after all, or not really a cop, can't remember which but i know it involved the Post fucking up actual facts, surprise!), and "GOTCHA" (Al Khaida second-in-commando killed with accompanying speech bubble, "Warm up the Virgins!") Keep up the good work, NY Post. And stay Handsome!6. TIE: Donald Trump + Wall Street Bull – Cause money and gratuitus gold is power. The tie is also up because the Wall Street Bull has one huge set of Jinglers and Donald Trump walks around like he has that same huge set of Jinglers, however, don't you kind of think he is hung like a Raisinette? And, the Donald's hair is the most famously handsome quaff in the whole world. Whether its sporting that quaff, or being the bull who has to get his picture taken with Asians all day while not wearing any pants, between these two you've got some seriously handsome nerves of steel.
5. Sam Champion – Okay, first of all, the first rule of being Handsome is having an awesome name. Champion?! Get the fuck outta here. Champion of what? Well the world eventually as old boy recently got the Nextel call to the bullpen from ABC and was promoted from pushing clouds on the local network, to breathing down the neck of Al Roker in the race to be the most handsome weather man EVER. The HBCC forecast? Sunny with a 100% chance of handsome. Fuck yeah Sam.
4. Ronaldo Balkman – Sure, the Mets are winning and the Yankees are winning again, but no one, and I mean no one, in the New York sports world has made a city and even a country stand up and say, "Huhhhh?" like Ronaldo Balkman. Yes, Balkman has arrived Knicks fans. You might even say, the Balkman has landed. Handsome dreads, sure, but what's even more handsome is the way that Balkman pulls off a damn fine mustache and a look like, "Heh, I'm totally stoned right now and when my next paycheck comes in from Isiah Moneybags, I'm gonna get Eddie on the phone and get my shit hooked up." We have a feeling that the city will eventually warm up to this guy, the same way we've come to love Starbury, Curry and Franchise. Ahhh, who the fuck are we trying to kid? BOOOOOOOOOOO, YOU SUCK BALKMAN!! (Photo and Photoshop from YAY Sports)
3. Dodgeball hipsters – has anything blown up harder than a Con Ed manhole cover in '06 than the pool party dodgeball crazies? The usually athleticly-passive crowd of Williamsburg artists and musicians were suddenly dodging and throwing as though their cycling caps and v-neck t-shirts depended on it. And the crowds who should have been painstakingly arguing about every note of Beirut's set that didn't depict the suffering that is having to deal with an L Train commute, were moved to cheers and actual clapping at some moments in these dodgeball matches (which is more emotion than is ever shown at a Mercury Lounge show). Even your man bobsled was drawn into the action and found it exhilirating and nearly heart-attack enducing. So fuck the heat wave blackout bullshit: the summer, and this entire year, should be remembered for orange snow fence, and those handsome, handsome hipsters with their tatoos, ripped jeans, Vans, and all that other sterotypical stuff. (Awesome photo courtesy of Mecredis. Attribution is Handsome too.)2. TIE: Captain Handsome and Bobsled Commando – what? You thought we were just gonna leave ourselves off of our own fucking list? Honestly we almost got into a fist fight over this cause I’ll stab a nigga in the neck with a buttaknife for Bobsled and Handsome’s all like, “OH, that’s right, you don’t have an army. I guess that means you need to shutthefuckup! SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.” But then it was all like, I’m tired, I don’t really feel like arguing any more, massage my feet, you’re handsome, no you’re handsome, let’s go get some ice cream, okay. S’Cool.
1. NAS – “Who’s world is this?” Coming out of Queensbridge, this young rapper, originally named Nasir Jones, a few years ago penned what became our theme song for the summer and primarily tops this year’s Handsome list for one reason: a quick Wikipedia search turned up this photo (to the left) and revealed that Nas (or at least the style team at XXL Magazine) is in posession of a pair of shoes that have Aubergine, Yello and Zebra print colorways, and, as those of you who faithfully follow the HBCC (or sleep around like the dirty blog sluts that you are) will realize, these same boots also belong to a one, Mr. Captain Handsome, purchased in the month of July of this year, a full month before this issue even went to press. So you see, Nas, the legendary rapper, savior of NYC and BK rap, took a cue from the HBCC and got with the 3/4 Delta Forces, which now means that these shoes are complete 'off the chain' as one might say, and yet owned by more than two people who are all now, therefore, officially over. Thanks, Nas and XXL magazine. Just as soon as you’ve made the top of the Handsome list, you’re already over. “Cause life’s a bitch and the you die...”THANKS FOR READING. YOU PROBABLY HATE US FOR LEAVING OFF SOMEONE OFF THE LIST. LEAVE A COMMENT. WE'LL BE SURE TO IGNORE IT.
ALLEZ BOBSLED! STAY HANDSOME!
ALLEZ BOBSLED! STAY HANDSOME!
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