Ladies and Gentlemen: without further ado, the HBCC is really fucking proud to present (we actually worked kinda hard on this for like a day or two) Part 1 of HBCC's FIRST EVER, 25 MOST HANDSOMEST NEW YORKERS.
25. Tim Robbins – What a sweet, politically-opinionated, Greenwich Village Roller Hockey Star. He made the list cause he is cool enough not to marry Susan Sarandon and somehow convinced her to be his mythical non-married life partner. If you think, "Oh Susan Sarandon, who cares?" You are obviously one of those straight edge assholes that hasn't seen Rocky Horror Picture Show. I would land that in a second.
24. Vlad – If you want to be Handsome, you need to employ professionals that will help you become and maintain Handsomeness. Enter, Vlad the Barber. Located on 49th between 1st and 2nd Avenues, he is a third generation barber and truly doing his family name a great deal of honor. I think the Captain sums it up nicely with this concise review: "Most care ever given. Will laugh cockily at customers who ask for a quick hair cut. A smirk that would give Val Kilmer a run for his money. Soft hands. Warm heart." Nuff repect.
23. Jason Mulgrew – Well, we alluded to this earlier this week, but now that ole boy isn't floating through the middle stratosphere of 200lbs., and since People Magazine were such assholes to leave them off their eligible bachelor list this year, and since he's friends with one of our friend's friends' friends (check out that apostrophe use) we figure, eh, what the fuck. He is an eloquent writer, which is kinda the same as being a handsome person. And having the guts to live in the cultural nightmare that is Chillita, well that’s handsome enough to be number 23.
22. White outfit guy in the LES – Anyone who has spent an extended period of time in the LES has seen this guy. Middle aged man, super skinny, usually rocking the handsome scruff facial hair, and dressed, from head to toe, in all white. Fuck a season, dude's got all white gear for any time of year. Summer? Cut off white denim, white t-shirt and white Chuck Taylors. Winter? White knit hat, white long sleeve t-shirt, white gloves, white sweat pants (or jeans, I can't tell) and white Chuck Taylors. And dude even goes so far as to accessorize with a plastic bag full of stuff that I’m sure the safety of our nation depends on. White outfit guy: don’t ever change. The hood just wouldn't be handsome without you.
21. Todd, the Saturday afternoon bartender at Schiller’s – 1.) Schiller's makes the most handsome drink in the entire (dare I say?) city. The New York (Fucking) Sour. When Self-Improvement Saturday rolls around again, do yourself a favor and get your head to the corner of Norfolk and Rivington before it explodes, sit yourself at the bar and meet your new best friend for the next three hours. 2.) Dude makes a GREAT drink. What better way to cope with VineyardGate '06 than to make a Whiskey Sour with Wild Turkey 101. It's like he knew that I was having the most miserable day of the summer. Seriously, story: Senor Sexy joined us at the bar. Senor has been known to do a fair share of partying and drinking. He finished one sour and asked, “What's the big deal?” I said, “Ask me again when you're halfway through your next drink.” Needless to say, asking again was not necessary. And then dude bought us another round. A Handsome drink poured by a bartender who knows the meaning of the word, Handsome.
20. David Copperfield – Park Avenue homeboy who's just handsome enough to bang supermodels. Handsome up, ho's down as you mothafuckas bounce to this. And poof….he's gone. Fucking Magic. Awsome. Handsome. Bobsled. Captain. Commando.
19. Melky Cabrera – For any youngsters out there who took the SAT exam last year, you may recall seeing the following “Analogy” question:
Melky Cabrera : Defense = NASA : __________
For those scoring at home, the answer was (B) Not Having Pieces Of Space Shuttle Land In Texas. That's how bad a fielder Cabrera was during his brief call-up from Triple-A Columbus (O-H!) last year. Who knew that less than 12 months later, the guy would be a Studly Stopgap for the injury-riddled Yankees, making fans quickly forget the names “Matsui” and “Sheffield?” This is more a statement on drinking habits of Yankee fans than anything else, but let the record show that Melky has proven his mettle as the Yankees are coasting to yet another division title. And he's not a bad-looking guy—I think there's some Asian in there somewhere. Asian is the new Handsome.
18. James the Bouncer @ Motor City – Bouncer's are usually just huge piles of shit. At least, that's what the Germans would have you believe. But we here at the HBCC realize they are a necessary part of preserving our societal structure that is a 21-year-old drinking age limit. So we're cool with all bouncers and we love to give them a pound when they let us in the club like we just got dropped off in an armada of Range Rovers and we're on our way up to the VIP booth to hang out with Jay-Z. But, being that Motor City bar has only extra large bathrooms instead of VIP lounges and…..never mind that. This guy is nice and courteous even though Handsome wears red shoes that match nothing else he is wearing, usually a biker bait kind of outfit. He accepts you for who you are (moment). And that's Handsome.
17. Frank the Bodega Indian – (49th and 2nd ave) $1.00 snapples and $5.00 cigs in the city. He even has a cat to bring the lady's in….where he proceeds to stare at them with an intriguing smile as if he is thinking of eating cotton candy at the circus. Handsome, playa!
16. Lillo Brancato – A Bronx Tale. What a good looking kid. Nowadays, not so much, although those stripes might end up looking okay on him. This native New Yorker knows exactly how to stay big in the apple: Crack. Nice work Jaggoff. Still got that beautiful little baby face though. You handsome New York Crackhead! P.S. Captain Handsome bought his first leather jacket shortly after seeing A Bronx Tale at age 13. This guy might even be partly responsible for the celebrity we now know as Captain Handsome. Sadly, Handsome's crack habit did originate from a chance meeting with former NY Handsomeboy Nominee Daryl Strawberry.
15. Foxy Brown – "Ladies is pimps too, go on brush your shoulders off." Look, first off, Wikipedia says that she is of Trinidadian descent, and you know that the HBCC is all about Trinidad & Tobego. Second, girl put out an album called Ill Na Na. Just imagine your dad saying, "I got to hit that Ill NaNa last night" and then try to stop laughing some time this century. Third, ole girl is in and out of probation and court hearings because a.) she assaulted her manicurist (who was probably some little japanese woman) and b.) she then, while on probation, went to a Greenwich Village store, yelled at an employee and then stole a bunch of shit. Wreckless regard for the law is so Handsome right now.
14. Robin Byrd – Travis America would still hit it, as this would fulfill some strange desires from his pre-adolescent days when he would stay up past midnight and watch her show on Channel J (remember letter channels?) Sure, she's terrifying now, but back in the day — well, she was still hideously handsome. But she was almost naked, and that was enough. All you little whipper-snappers think you're slick with your remote controls and your "Last Channel" and "Guide" buttons. Imagine the anxiety of hearing your dad's footsteps down the hallway and know that you had to somehow turn the dial (THE DIAL!) back to Nick at Nite and return to your seated position on the couch in less than 4.3 seconds. Thanks Robin – you taught a generation of youngsters about the secret garden and the good life that being Handsome can get you.
13. Joe Bendik – We've never met this punk-rockin', sleeveless shirt-wearing, leathery-faced, runaway-banging staple of the East Village, but Travis America constantly sees him on 14th Street on weekday mornings. However, Joe Bendik never seems to be walking in the same direction, which would lead one to rule out the possibility that he's headed to a day job. So props to Joe for having the initiative to get up in the morning for no apparent reason, and more props if it's for a drug fix. Even further props to Joe for being constantly spotted on weekend afternoons with buxom, women half his age (Joe himself is probably somewhere between 35 and 60). He's been blowing the roof off the Sidewalk Café with his ear-splitting rock outfit ever since Travis was in college, where he drunkenly happened upon Bendik midway through one of his not-so-legendary performances. Travis doesn't remember much from that evening except a friend turning to him and saying, "I don't know if the joke is on him or us." Travis also remembers that Joe closed the set with a tune called, "People Suck," a prescient anthem for the East Village if there ever was one.
12. San Loco register workers at Stanton St. location – Because despite the lightning fast gentrification of the LES over the last year, you still manage to take the orders of hundreds of B&T douchebags accurately and then call out their orders with an ever-so small amount of TLC that I'm sure the tourists just find to be, "Sooooo New York." So dudes, and dudettes: keep playing that crazy death-metal, rockabilly, freak folk and keep slinging that silly sauce until 4AM, because we wouldn’t be handsome if we just went staight home after the bar without having stuffed ourselves balls deep with cold refried beans, extra sour cream, taco's, lettuce and shitty ‘vegetables’.
11. Andre Agassi – Dude might hail from Las Vegas, but every time about this year ole boy is NYC’s own as he stands for life, liberty and freedom on the hardcourt. Plus, dude is the “Image is Everything” dude from way back. You can’t front on that. PLUS Plus, you can only imagine his marbles are as well groomed, shaved, and handsome as his marvelous dome piece of late. And if they aren’t, his super German wife probably takes a straight razor to them while he’s sleeping and he doesn’t even feel a thing. ADVANTAGE: AGAHANDSOMASSI!!