Alright, I’m sure I’ve read about this somewhere else before, but this link in my Gmail today was just to funny to pass up:“Are You Normal? - www.chatterbean.com - 15 fun questions to see how you compare with other Americans!”
Am I normal? Am I normal, bitch I don’t believe this. "Me and Jed, just got back from Africa...” “Cradle of Fucking Civilization!” (PS, if you don't understand something from the HBCC, chances are you can reference Dave Chappelle's 'Black Bush' skit and all will be explained.)
Right, so anyways, I had to click on this lil chatta-been link. Nobody is gonna challenge the Americaness of the HBCC, especially not some bufu, chatterbean motherfucka.
So I’m taken to this site labeled, “A Fun Personality Quiz.” Fun. Interesting choice of words, until I turned homicidal (but that comes later). So let’s do this: Lets see how I ‘compare’ with other ‘Americans’.
First, the intro (what they wrote is in italics, I'm the Bobsled Commando (BC) he's the Captain Handsome (CH)): “Are you Normal? Being unique is important (uh, being unique is a way of life for most Americans, but okay, I’ll play along) but are your quirks pushing you too far outside what is considered normal? (uh, fuck you you judgemental fuck) This fun (boring) personality quiz will give you the (our) answer. Find out if you're in step with normal America (fuck normal America), or if you're marching to the beat of your own drummer (yeah like that one-armed guy from Def Leppard, or perhaps John Bonham, or more like Phil Collins in Genesis, natch). Take this fun personality quiz now (FINE, fine I will).”
1) Are you working?
Yes
No
BC - (No, I’m writing a blog. See? Normal as fuck)
CH - (are YOU working? No your are writing a goddamned Survey. Where the shit do you get off asking me if I am working?
2) How "wired" are you? (Check all that apply)
TV
DVD
TiVo/DVR
Home Computer
Broadband Internet access
iPod
Camera phone
Blackberry/portable Internet access
PDA
BC - (Considering I just hooked up a black-eye from Starbucks, and my new Squeezebox from Slim Devices (hook a brotha up with some more cool stuff yo), I’m pretty fucking quote/unquote WIRED. But since you must know, when I get home tonight, I’ll flip on TV, while I take this stupid quiz again on a computer with broadband internet access (shout out RoadRunner) while I’m listening to my iPod while taking photos of people on Stanton street using my camera phone AND my digital camera. So suck it. Besides, you didn’t even list digital camera, so how wired are you?).
CH – would you ask a middle eastern man, in Beirut, and an Israeli Star on his shirt that question? What are you stupid….BOOOOOM! Next Question sucka.
3) Got kids? (Check all that apply)
None
Baby on the way
0-5
6-12
13-17
18+
BC - (Maybe. Next question please) (Funny thing is, few miles from here that’s probably a ‘normal’ answer.)
CH – I just dropped off about 400,000 white orphans………
4) What best describes your hair?
Bald as a cue ball
Thinning
Thin and wispy
Thick and full
BC - (bald as a cue ball! Ha! Did they survey Kojak for this quiz? I’m thick and full so next question)
CH – Sexy ass dirty blonde. That is just what it attract’s too….dirty blondes! Brown, trimmed and curly down down dow….what, you are the assholes that asked?
5) What is your least favorite body part?
Chest
Legs
Fanny
Teeth
Nose
Stomach
Skin
Gall Bladder
BC - (this is obviously missing some choices here as my favorite body part seems to be omitted. And what fucking normal person refers to their ass as their ‘fanny’. The word fanny should only ever be followed by the word pack ,and the copious amounts of laughter and pointing at the tourist.)
CH - How about you narrow down the goddamned answer. Body part of what a dog? Body of a letter (the closing incidentally), a woman (her brain of course), myself? You better stop askin’ so many questions…..
6) Where do you hang your hat?
In a charming apartment in the city
In a classic suburban home with 2 car garage
In a mobile home or RV
In a country home with lots of land
On the backseat of an '85 Taurus
BC - (A Taurus? That's pretty American and shout out to my homeboy Kowalski from Northville. Hollatcha distance lane ::random:: However, I think most 'normal' Americans, like myself are wondering, ' HEY, How about Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s Chevy you un-american bastards?' That said, my apartment is quite charming though, thanks for noticing.)
CH – Charming apartment in the city? This ain’t Kansas City. I live in a fuckin 5 floor walkup that is the size of the stall your country ass keeps your horse in! Fuck you and your space. I hate this quiz….next question
7) Where's your head at?
(HBCC. Bobsledding)
8) Honestly, who shares your bed?
No one, I'm single and loving it
No one, and I'm not happy about it
The flavor of the week
My long term significant other
My wonderful spouse
My not-so wonderful spouse, when he/she is not on the couch
I don't kiss and tell
BC - (The flavor of the week. Did LL Cool J write these questions? Maybe Bel Biv Devoe? Oh no wait, that was Poooiiiiissssooonnnn (Poison, Poison, can’t trust a big butt and a smile, nooooo) Um, right, so the delicious flavor as of late has been the lovely L-Ren, but we have photographic evidence of her checking out other girls' arses, so maybe I'm on the way out...)
CH – ha ha ha ha ha ha (think Chappelle doing Prince’s laugh). Well I just finished a 5 year relationship soooooooooo read this post, give me a call and we can talk about it. Grrrrrrr (like a friendly, cute, yet dangerous bobcat)
9) How much stress does your debt cause you?
None, I'm debt free
It's no big deal, I don't owe too much
I can't sleep at night
Arggh!! Don't call me 'cause I'm not answering the phone anymore
BC - (It’s no big deal, even though I owe everyone and their mother, I’m numb to it now.)
CH – Fuck you…next question
10) Which way should the toilet paper go?
End coming down over the top of the roll
End coming down from behind the roll
BC - (OVER THE TOP. ALWAYS. END OF DISCUSSSION.)
CH – I haven’t had TP on a roller in years. Rich ass bitches and your judgements
Now. You want to re-think your f*cking non-normal ass questions about me being normal? Yeah, that's what I thought. AR AR AR AR ::think DMX, only scarrier::
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