San Loco a Go Go..........Right Through You

When I first decided that I would no longer be known by my given name, I almost decided to go another route than Captain Handsome. I was really torn between my present moniker and the barely less accurate "Captain Taco". I know what you are thinking, floppy taco. Well, that is true, however I am talking about the crispy delight that is know throughout my bowels as the Crispy (or Crunchy) Taco. Probably the most perfect creation in all culinary history. Well, that and Funnel Cake. No Taco wins. Oh taco vs. Godzilla? Advantage, Taco (silly sauce is much more distructive than that bitch ass breath he has....keep reading)

Do I have to tell you what the fuck the food pyramid is? It is the fundamental building block of all nutrition, let alone the modern taco. Read me here, Tacos are to nutrition as King Tut is to the food pyramid......hmmmm even lost myself there. Ok, regroup.....think about Old El Paso. Whew, I am back wicha. Taco has the perfect combination of all ingrediants....kind of like The band "The Who" before the pedofillia and drug infused deaths. Focus!: Grains? Smile at your cruncy delight of a shell. Meat? Spice that cow carcus up and stuff that shell baby. Veggitables? Lettuce, Tomatoe, and all that good shit in salsa. Dairy? Sour Cream like a Mexican Dream. So now you can convince anyone that taco's are healthy. Courtesy of Capt. Handsome.

They really are the perfect food. I have eaten these little bitches since birth. For all meals: breakfast, lunch, dinner, and most certainly drunk as hell. I might just be the leading Tacoteer in the Northeast. Some highlights from my taco resume:

- Spending over $20 at Taco Bell......only on 99cent taco's
- Eating over 20 taco's in a sitting
- Eating taco's for 13 straight days
- Presently have had taco's for dinner atleast 4 out of 7 days a week for the past 4 months. (not
even counting the late night San Loco Runs......ha ha ha I said San Loco Runs....get it. more on this later)
- I have written to the Old El Paso taco company on multiple occasions asking to be the face of Old El Paso. So far the shitty ass postal service seems to have lost my mail before it reached my future employers at the Old El Paso Mud Hut in Brownflow, AZ
- Mr. Fantastic / Urban Iccarus, I know I must be missing some special occasions here....can you
help me out here?

You folks ever heard of San Loco? It is a tocoery(made the word up....Word Up!) located on the corner of Stanton and Ludlow St. You know, the one that UES Izod lovers get cursed at by the tattoo'd non caring hipster ass that inevitably works the counter (actual picture of the type of humans found in San Loco ala 4am to the left). I know, don't say it....there are a couple other locations but they are all shit. Frankly, let me tell the goddamn story. This is probably my favorite late night taco joint in the city. Are they good? Let me put it this way "The nigga tried to kill my fatha!!!!! With stupid sauce. I am never there sober so I actually don't really know what they taste like but alas I know the shells are crunchy, they are cheap as balls, i can get them late, they are across the street from Bobsled Headquarters, and alas they are slathered in some toxic shit called "Stupid Sauce". This stupid sauce is really fucking stupid. It tastes good but holy ballsweat is it hot. I have what they call the "Monitor Stomach" (think early cival war, iron clad, battleship royale). I once ate refried beans that were still in the can and pooped out a nickel. My stomach is Sssssooolid son. Anyhow, I am baffeled at the way that this Stupid Shit....errrr Stupid Sauce permeates my defenses. I feel like Zqi Xu Quain of the Cambodian basket ball team that just laced up my size 8 (womens) shoes to play the Dream Team (real dream team folks) when I eat this shit. Last weekend I did it without a sip of water at 4am.............

I love taco's. End of story! Who has money I eat one tonight. Who? Who?

-Captain Taco