Wednesday, February 28, 2007

i sip the don p watchin ghandi till i'm charged

So the best memory I ever have of a WWF event was the Ultimate Warrior fighting against the Macho Man Randy Savage. I wasn’t ever really allowed to get in to wrestling that much – mostly cause when I was younger my teacher had to sit my parents down and tell them I shouldn’t be allowed to watch Dukes of Hazzard any more. There was also that incident of me pushing a girl down on the playground, but that was later and mostly related to that whole puberty thing. It didn’t really go so smooth for me, that’s all. In fact, girls still kinda frighten me.

Which is why I’m hear to talk about wrestling!! HELL YEAH ::chest bump:: ::secret handshake:: BRO! I’M SAYIN BRO! BROSEF!

Anyways, I definitely still remember the characters. And I know the facts, at least the ones that pertain to the Detroit. Like how the Detroit Silverdome was home to the largest professional wrestling event ever when Hulk Hogan wrestled and subsequently bodyslammed Andre the Giant. So it should come as no surprise (no surprise or no interest?) that today as I was reading the Detroit Free Press online (who moves to New York and keeps reading the Detroit newspaper? Me. So walk your white ass back across 8 mile.) I noticed this interview with Sergeant Slaughter about Wrestlemania 23 in DETROIT WHAT.

Apparently the good Sarge, or Robert Remus as he’s known to his kids (do you think he puts his kids through calisthenics in the morning?) is the official mouthpiece of the WWE. He’s also a member of the World Wrestling Hall of Fame. Now that’s kinda weird, but it also sounds REALLY FREAKING AWESOME!! Handsome, scramble the sled, let’s do a field trip.

Oh, and did I mention that the article, particularly the last part, kinda makes Sargeant Slaughter out to be gayer than a spandex one piece. Read it yourself if you’re too lazy to click a link:

Q: You’ve said that in the WWE, anything could happen, so if you could pick anybody to go against, who would you pick?
A: I’ve always wanted to wrestle the Rock. I saw him as a little boy when he would come into the locker rooms with his father and grandfather. He blossomed into this performer. I don’t think he was a great wrestler. He wasn’t anything unique as far as ability, but he had a unique way about him. Just the way he talked and his elbows. I would have liked to have wrestled him. He and the Undertaker, I’d love to wrestle.

My all-time favorite would be Vince McMahon. I’d love to wrestle Vince…We always talk about it, when his father was running the company, he said, ‘You know Sarge, I’d love to wrestle, but my dad won’t let me.’ And I said, ‘Why don’t you put a mask on, and I’ll wrestle you?’ ”

Okay, jeez, where do you start?
1.) I always wanted to wrestle the Rock, ever since I saw him as a little boy in the locker room. The way he talked and, oh, his elbows.
2.) I’d love to wrestle Vince. ‘Why don’t you put on a mask with a zipper on it and I’ll wrestle you.’

Alright, a little out of context, I know, but still, weird.

Still though. Pro Wrestling Hall of Fame. Fuck, apparently it’s not a real place (is there anything Wrestling that's real?) and Pete Rose is a member. Weird.

Monday, February 26, 2007

god this was fucking brilliant

anyone else catch this last night? now that is art

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Art or Poison: Handsome Installment #4

"My name is, shake zula,
the mic rulah,
the old schoolah,
you wanna trip,
I'll bring it to ya..."

Art. Definitely art.

Art or Poison: Handsome Installment #3

Art or Poison - the living dead

swear to got this wasn't photoshopped by

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

with the right device you can make a pattern grow, or you can tune up your car

This past weekend my first weekend chilling at home in a long while. Damn, what a feeling. So glad to just wake up, eat some Corn Puffs then Luck Charms then some other cereal with a lot of sugar on it, watch a lil SportsCenter, kick back on my computer without my boss looking over my shoulder while I Photoshop this, that and the other, take a nap, get high, play Scrabble and watch the slam dunk contest (sick, Dwight Howard, just sick).

Well, like I said, I’ve been loving the Photoshop lately. And I was going through some old photos on Saturday morning and found some cool shots of my ole boy Handsome. One thing lead to another and I started fooling around with some brightness and contrast and color and came up with a few Andy-Warholesque stills of the Captain that I wanted to share with you. Whadddya think (see above and then right below)?This weekend was also the Year of the Pig and the Chinese New Year. Sup all you pigs out there. Ima Monkey, but I guess we all have our own personal traits that make us better than one another in some ways. For instance, I can swing from trees and throw my own poop. Pigs roll around in their own poop and eat their own poop. So there’s that. Whenever I think of pigs, I think of that Guy Richie movie ‘Snatch’ where the old guy talks about the best way to dispose of a dead body: pigs. Cause they’ll eat every part of the body. Brilliant.One of the luxuries of being home on a Saturday, or any day really for that matter, is being able to watch TV. For instance, this morning I’m watching CNN. Right now there’s a story about “husband arrested when murder for hire plot was caught on tape.” And the wife is confronting the husband in court. What do you say in that case? “Um, look, I realize you were a little upset when I wouldn’t let you put it in my butt…well, now maybe somebody in jail will give you that opportunity.” I digress, the exclusive feature that really caught my eye was, “Paula Zahn: Hip Hop, Art or Poison?” wow. I really, I just might have to tune in for this. Gee, I wonder what side a middle-aged white woman is going to take in that argument. Now, granted, I’m sure it will be objective and include interviews from such industry luminaries as Flava Flav or some other joke of a rapper that can attest to what an art form hip hop is, but still: Art or Poison. Poison? I feel like that’s a bit extreme. Although, maybe the Captain and I will collaborate on a forum of our own: HBCC: Art or Poison?

Although, if you want to check out something really stupendous on hip hop, you might want to consider this.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

There's a new cat in dogtown

It is official. I am now a resident of California. Just signed a lease today for my new left coast abode. I guess I am livin' large with an apartment in NYC and LA. Unfortunatly I won't get a chance to get back to the Hatten anytime soon so I will have to just make the best of my new digs in California. And what a day to do it. 82 degrees and sunny today. It is the warmest day of the winter out here and the whole beach was buzzin. I decided to play hookey from work today, signed the lease and went to the beach for an hour. Never did that before.

So let me tell you about the place. Tiny, falling apart, with a graffiti covered view of a gas station out my window. To quote the movie "Venice Beach, the ghetto by the sea. Its gross, its dirty....its beautiful". Now its home. So I guess I am ramblin' but it has been kind of a wierd day. I finally get home from work and guess what movie is on? The Lords of Dogtown. You know I have never seen this movie before? Kinda funny it is on the night I just sign sign a lease here in Venice I see the movie for the first time. Guess its meant to be. This town is about to get a lot more Handsome.....HBCC is now officially Bi-Coastal.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Be My Valentine You Sexy Ass Feline

The cats purr on valentines day

Her crotch needs some nip

The nip I speak of knows the way

to please that kitty from base to tip

Oh dirty cat purr you might

Hearts beating in your America Boot

Kitty Kitty grip that mouse so tight

So find your kitten and check the one eyed poot


To you dirty cat lovers on this Valentines Day

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

my music sucks. i need to get new shit

handsome, don't forget to send a letter to your sweetie for valentines day.

valentines day is such a crock. but, seeing as how i'll probably get a little play tomorrow, i'm happy to throw out a few extra bucks to super size that value meal. go on girl - getchoors

(dude, by the way, that's like the best hand i've ever ever drawn on photoshop. jeyayayaayh ::fist pump::)
lance armstrong is gonna run the NYC marathon again this year. well, so am i, now. and i'm gonna work on that whole beating him this year.
step 1.) run faster
step 2.) repeat for three hours

wish me luck.NYC peeps: Travis McGee & The Revelers are playing this Friday (2/16). come out an drink, a lot, for no good reason. The Revelers hit the stage around 8pm. Here's the details:
Friday Feb 16, 2007
at 8:30 PM
The Baggot Inn
West 3rd Street between Thompson and Sullivan
New York, NY 10001
United States

Sunday, February 11, 2007

From California to Manhattan Island.....

That's atleast the setting of the conversation that gave birth to this here post. Also, it is a beautiful referance to our majestic land. America! See, Bobsled and I were having a friendly chat which of course turned a bit Grammy. Wow, what a positve little show wasn't that. I support the pop music industry's dedication to touching our soul in these troubled times of war. Holy shit, was a Hillary Clinton infomercial on tv last night while I was asleep (thanks grandma for showing me ther awsome sleeping force that is know as leaving your tv on all night)

Digression time..............Tell me the truth, when I painted the above scenario the first thing that popped into your head was white trash? Seriously, ever notice how that is such a social taboo? What the fuck is so bad about sleeping with your tv on. Does that mean I should be living in a trailer or something? WTF people. It's not that bad for chrissake. ok, digression off......

So back to the point, no wait I don't think I have even started off on a point yet. So Bobsled and I were talking about the Grammy's and he mentioned that Luda (Ludacris to you white kids in the flyovers...) just won the award for best rap album. I was like, "I didn't even know he put out an album in the past few years". To which Bobsled replies "It's cause we are old now, man". Errr could this be possible? I mean, no way it can be possible. I know whats up and whats cool. I must be youthful and tuned in cause how else would I know that The Police were getting back together. Ohhh Shit........Fuck

At what point did what I happen to like begin to be the shit that older people start to like? Or did what I like ever qualify as cool? I am really a bit shaken up here. I mean this is a pretty big question my lucky friends. Well, I just thought about it (i mean just then) and I am pretty sure I don't know what I think the kids are listening to these days. When I thought of the question the bands that popped into my head were Green Day, U2, Timberlake, Snoop Dogg. Well shit, that just tells a story right there huh? Diversion #2, the Shaquira / Wycleff performance is just now and uuhhh....hhuhh...uh...nevermind. So I am probably going to guess that if you ask a test group from ages 17 - 23 they would not mention a list that remotely resembles mine. Not that U2, Green Day, and Snoop Dogg aren't still popular, they are just not the top choices for coolest music in the schoolyard. Just to make sure to clarify here: THAT IS NOT MY TOP LIST OF is just who I would name if you asked me who I thought was cool to the kids these days. I would summise that the list would actually look more like timberlake (who I also had!), Kanye West, Fallout Boy and Fergie. Diversion #3 The Grateful Dead just got a shout out, Sweet! Ok, I guess diversion #3 also kind of just drives the point right in there a little too deep. I guess I'm done here. Goodnight from the Left.

Friday, February 09, 2007

dear handsome

YEAAAHHHH!! high five. sup brutha. me and travis be drinking some beers at the office, friday night style man. we're superstars...

dude, peep this story.

so last night my landlord calls and he's like, 'bobsled, there's a leak in the restaurant right below your apartment, we need you to come home and let the super in so's he can fix that shit.' (note: this is a huge hint where i lives at all yous stalkers. good luck)

anyways, i'm all like, 'yeah, whatever, i'll be at the spot in like a minute.' so i hop the F train at herald square and pop back to the spot, bang on the door to the downstairs basement/apartment/pit of darkness and call for the super. open the door and the smell of weed is like overwhelming. like, the chronic man.

dude comes running up the stairs and he is ripped. blood shot eyes, the whole nine yards. i'm like, 'hey, mr. G says you need to get in my apartment to fix the radiator' and he's like 'oh yeah, lemme, um, lemme, um, oh, uh, lemme just get my, i just need to get my tools, i just need to get my tools real quick.' seriously, he was high as hell.

so he runs downstairs and then there's this pause. then he's like, "uhhhh, you wanna come
downstairs for a minute." and, i'm like, hells yeah!! but less gay than that, more cool, you know how i do.

handsome, i've lived in that building for four years now, two of which you were partying at pretty regularly. and i've never, ever met someone who's been in the basement. imagine my excitement! i was like a kid on christmas morning (or channukah you jews)!! what the fuck is down there?? and why does it force my super and his buddies to smoke so much weed all the time.

well, actually, it was pretty anti-climatic from there. there was like a bathroom, and a chill out room, and three other thug-like kids passing a huge joint. it was the chronic, lemme tell you. they were all a bit stressed out and then i was like, 'damn, this is some good shit yo. i was just in amsterdam and man! they got the shit there!!" and everybody eased up, my super was like, "SEE! i told you everybody in this building smoke weed yo." hilarious. i threw out some pounds and like five point handshakes and 'ayight den, be good yo' that kinda stuff. i got all kinds of black friends.

then my super proceeds to come up to my apartment, high as a kite, and try to fix my radiator. HIGHLAERIOUS!! he couldn't do shit. he like, looked at the radiator, hit it with a wrench, twisted it for a second, looked at it some more and then pretty much left. he was like, "call me if anything happens."

five minutes later i'm watching the pistons kill the lakers when steam starts pouring out of that radiator thing. so i call him and he's like, "uhhhhh, turn it off till i come look at it."

and he hasn't been back yet!

happy weekend you fucking LA piece of shit, betch.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

dear handsome

yo man, sup. whew, things have been crazy, let me tell you.

first off, glad to hear you are living it up in LA. sorry about my trip out there in January. next time i'm out there we'll throw down for sure. plus, by then, you'll know your way around and you'll know lots of beautiful people and we can make 'power moves' as they say. but for sip and drink and be merry, and be a nice girl and save me the cherry (okay, that's a line from an LL Cool J song. not exactly applicable in this case, but i'm a sucker for rhyming. not a sucker rhyming. sucka free, yo)

second, jet lag is a major bitch. as i think i told you, i just got back from 10 days in europe. i'm not sure there is a word in dutch for 'moderation' because every single night in amsterdam i got fuctup beyond belief. i guess that's what happens when you buy some desert bud for the room and keep a little stash by the toilet and just get high every time you sit down to take a dump, and then also buy a bottle of johnny walker green from the duty free shop cause its so freaking cheap and then just drink like half a bottle right after a few bong rips. one night i slept on the floor, one night i was throwing up, and two nights i was up until like 4am with heart palpitations. there was really no in between. four days of 'full steam ahead'.

then came paris for a weekend. what a city of assholes. for fuck's sake, would it kill you to learn a little english? i've taken the time to break my ass to learn a little french, so fuck you ingnorant fucks. and nothing is more embarassing than trying to watch the french put on a Super Bowl pre-game show. i had no idea what the fuck they were saying, but their idea of a pre-game celebration was to trot out some local high school cheerleaders at an Applebees in Miami and then go over the rules of futbol Etats-Unis. fack vous.

and then air france charged us $400 to get back on our flight to amsterdam. yes we're american and yes we can't travel without three bags each, each weighing roughly 50-60 lbs. but you can't let us get on the flight in amsterdam wihtout any warning and then try to charge us an assload of money, in any currency, to get home again. fuck fuck fuck fuck you. assholes.

i'll tell you what: europe is cool and all, but damn if i wasn't happiest just sitting at epsteins eating a big piece of dead meat, drinking whiskey and beer, watching basketball (!!!), leering at the hot waitress and giving the look of death to the retard serving drinks that my ex says she wants to sleep with (she hasn't yet, but if she does, i'll buy you a plane ticket back to NYC so we can break his dick).

the fucking neighborhood is the same: shitty as ever. and fuck it's cold here. i know i know i know, its all over the news, but fuck its cold.

anyways, good news! the avalanches are coming out with a new album soon!!

also, travis mcgee and the revelers are playing on the 16th for anyone interested.

other than that, i guess i'll write again soon, but can't say for sure when just yet. thought of you while i was in amsterdam...