The idea for this post first hit me right around the time Charlie, our faux bus driver, put out a folding chair in the isle for some fat shit to sit on while at a stop in Wilmington, DE. Good start huh?! Yeah, so I went to Annhialapolis, MD this weekend and took a god damned bus. And know, what? I had to sit next to Senor Sexy (aka Howard, who denies that he really is senor sexy - eat me, you know it's you) too. Read his comments after every one of our posts and you might have an idea of what the hell I was in for. Howard had just come from work after slacking for 3 hours after partying all night and was ready to offend just about anyone that was in his path (more on his behavior later). Ever taken a bus from Chinatown, NYC? Well, it is like this.......Go to what you might expect a Beijing Market to look like under Mao Zedung's rule (yes i know history bitches...handsome and smart) in your head, then add the way your stomach would feel after eating chinese food at 4am - shortly after finishing some jim beam and sparks, and finally whipe shit on your upper lip and breathe deep. We chose our buss from the 1,000 on the street because the lady in beconing us in was not screaming and stomping and demanding we go to their bus. No, seriously. Then the ride?
Howard decided that he would reign hell down on the sweet Indian couple, see rogan josh and Tekka Don's cousins from Tandoor for a picture of how nice they are. Wow, if you get that joke you might actually be the one poor bastard who has been reading our space for the past 3 months. Anyhow, Howard started the trip by talking how his friend from Lotus had not "fucked the chick like he wanted to" in a voice equal to that of Samuel Jackson. The nice little indian lady looked back into our eyes with sincere disgust. I put my ipod on. Later Howard purposly made the large window shade fall down on her head while she was sleeping. Hmmm, what else the hell did you to the poor Tandoora Mr. Howard? Please comment as I have blacked it out.
Charlie the goddamned fake of a bus driver decided that he did not need to ever brake until he was 4.23 feet from the back of the car in front of him. I think the only thing he had driven before this trip was one of those Suzuki scooters that they made a million of in 1982. He also hit a Toyota Tacoma somewhere in Maryland. I swear to it. And guess what what? Mr. I don't have a license to cook Noodles let alone a bus, kept on driving like nothing happened. Once again, I swear to the truth here. Back me up Howard.Ah the great destination.......Hell. Baltimore Travel Plaza is probably the shittiest place to arrive on the planet. It is in sketchy ass East Baltimore and you know it every second you are there. We walk in to see a guy in full military fatigue's going bazerk on some machine gun arcade game. He had a plastic gun in each hand and the look on his face could only equal that of a two dicked monkey in equal position. Aside from that there were about a million sketchy ass Baltore residents and their 6.4 kids waiting for their bus to Detroit as the opening kick off of family vacation at Unkle Diesle's house gets under way. No less than 6 handicapped people. No offense handicapped people but damn that was a lot of you to see in one Bus Depot. Baltimore Bitches.
My dining optionis? Sabarro - not bad aside from the food was cooked on Tuesday and still resided in the unwashed containers on this beautiful Friday in East Baltimore. A and W Rootbeer Stand - We both got burgers that were slathered in this mayonaise that the polite cashier informed us was unedible. They also had "Cheese Curds" on the menu. Great advertising assholes. Why don't you advertise the sandwiches as Charred Cow Carcass Burgers too. Assholes. Finally, Kentucky Fried Chicken - I ordered a side of mashed potatoes. They gave me 3 while still charging for one. They don't fuck around with KFC in East Baltimore, evidently. I think they were rewarding me for having the balls to visit the greasy counter of a
Baltimore Travel Plaza KFC. But honestly I don't even know why the have food at the place cause I was serenaded the whole ride by the sound of everyone on the bus opening tin foil to reach their sacred left overs...........I digress
Finally they had a general store. This place was beautiful. A haven for white trash, run by white trash. You could tell instantly that the locals didn't mind this white trash haven when looking into the drink cooler. I swear to you the picture to the right is just as we found it. Some sick as milk fiend had drank half of two different milk cartons and then put them back. Absolutly hilarious / harsh reality at the Baltimore Travel Plaza. Howard stole a rock that said peace (value $2.50) as I was getting heavily carded for a pack of Parliments. Seriously I got grilled. Wow. I have added a few pictures of the lovely merchandise that you could purchase at Mother Wilmeta's Dirty Knee Store:
It was really an experience, I must tell you. Every time I do it I swear it is my last and the meager $20 one way or $35 that they charge to go from NYC to Baltimore, Philly or DC appeals to you folks that are thinking about how much more money you now have to get fucked up with when you reach your destination (long ass sentence, just wanted you to have a little slice of how long it feels that you are on one of those stinking chinatown busses - sentence still hasn't ended yet). The ride home sucked too but I have already blabbered too much. The only other incidence of note was the fat ass chick that stat between me and Howard. She was blasting R and B while clutching a Victoria's Seceret bag with some of the imagined 1,000 yards of lace that was in that bag hanging out. Needless to say....nevermind. Just stay tuned to part 2 of my Annhialapolis weekend with The "Real Beal", Urban Iccarus, Jen-Nay, Big Red, and company cause it was a fun fun fun ass weekend.
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