Slow week in entertainment folks, but lets get down to it. Last week, Discovery channel wrapped up its annual week long orgy of terror, better known as “Shark Week.” This week consists of them airing specials exploring the fascinating world of sharks. The habitats they roam, the places they fuck, and specifically, the humans they mutilate. I’ll be the first to admit I’m a complete pussy, but I am terrified of sharks. So, this week of programming, situated smack in the middle of the summer swimming season, leaves me virtually paralyzed with fear. I lay awake sleepless, in rubber sheets, completely terrified of going near any body of water, including bathtubs and showers. The hour of sleep I do get, is filled with dreams of me getting my genitals removed by a 17ft great white, or me waking up at work, naked, naturally, explaining to my boss that I created shark repellent by mixing Sunny Delight, urine, and bug spray. One of my favorite shows they run is a mammoth two hour special trying to investigate why one guy had his leg bitten off by a bull shark. Well, I’m not a doctor, but I’d say, IT’S CAUSE HE’S FUCKING SWIMMING WITH THEM! Anyway, this is obviously a touchy issue with me, so I think I’ll just drop it, but I will leave you with a direct quote from myself, taken at the very sensitive and honest time of 3:30 am at Motor City Bar last Saturday. Dictated by a friend:
"If I were a member of government I would spend a substantial sum of money to eradicate sharks. I know a lot of people might disagree with me. I am campaigning to get every fucking shark out of our waters. You give me one good god damn reason for them to exist and I will back off. I will step down off my soap box, I will stay out of Malibu, and you will never hear from me again. We have enough to worry about. Terrorism. We can't swim in the god damn Gulf of Mexico without some man eater stalking me. Stay out of our god damn beach communities. We came over here with nothing and broke our backs to settle here, they can't give us a mile of god damn water for recreation? Fuck the food chain. I make gold records. man"
My sincere apologies to all parties who had to witness that first hand. Its not your fault. There was another round coming, and it was a small corner table with little escape access.
I now want to introduce to you my new favorite power trio in Hollywood. Matt, Lance, and Jakey. Or the BFFWF’s. Best Friends Forever Who Fuck. I’m telling you, something is going on there. You be the judge.
And Finally, a tribute to a fallen hero/genius. I’m sure you all know about former Ohio State football star Maurice Clarett, so I’ll spare you most of the details. But, along with the four loaded guns and bullet proof vest he was sporting when he was pulled over this week, he also had his favorite vodka and weed. Now, what is a heavily armed ride through the countryside without those two things? Apparently, Maurice has had a taste for the vodka for some time. I’ve just learned that his former teammates would often hear Maurice at practice, exclaim, “damn!, I gotta get my goose on!” Unbeknownst to his hard working teammates, Maurice was referring to his water bottle that would always be filled with refreshing Grey Goose vodka. Sometimes there’s a man. And sometimes there’s a MAN.
Have a good weekend and be sure to get your Goose on. And beat that phrase into the ground. I know I will.
Next week: A Scientology Special, and maybe something about some Baldwins.
***Mr. Fantastic
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