Friday, August 25, 2006

Avalanche Rock

So as I sit in my cube preparing for what will be a very tame weekend where I have no plans except for running through the streets of Manhattan at 7AM on Sunday (with my clothes on) (oohhhhh, the intrigue!), I'm contemplating how to start a post. Cause I've got some things I need to share with you, but I can't think of a clever lead in, or a punchy headline that might make you say, “damn, what is this all about? I must read on.” What I decided to go with is that age old question, “if the world ended tomorrow, what sort of knowledge would I like to leave behind for the next race of people who procreate and rebuild civilization?” (what the fuck? Just go with it.)

Anyways, one bad thing and then a couple good things:

1. Never mix in Crown Royale if you haven't finished all the Jameson's you put in your glass before. “That shit is just not kosher.” – Rabbi Bobsled Goldberger

2. (start of the good things) Right, so I thought to myself that if the world were to end tomorrow, I'd like to be on record as having sucked a few dicks in admiration before I died. These include:

a. Ronald of Ronald’s Pizza (74 Orchard St., 212-533-4052) Every time I order dinner from this place it is fan-fucking-tastic. Last time I blasted through a Chicken Piccata with a side of Spinach Al whole bunch of Italiano wordsiosos. Oh man, and when I finished eating I remember just sitting on my couch in my shoebox apartment with no AC feeling like I just won the World Cup and having visions of your man bobsled zipping around the Big Apple on a Vespa. And that was after only one glass of Crownesons. So do yourself a favor and get some food from this place if you're in the hood.
b. Biolage hair care products – ladies, you know what I'm talking about here. And lemme tell…I know all about, the secret garden (what the fuck is he talking about? Get a copy of the first song from the album White People by Handsome Boy Modeling School. One day I'll upload it to the site, but now all I have is a recommendation. Funny shit.) Anyways, if the Virgin Mary ever farted, I imagine her fart smelled like Biolage shampoo and conditioner. And if I were ever to run my hands through the hair of a unicorn, I imagine it would feel something like what my hair feels like after washing with this stuff. In fact, my arm usually gets a bit tired from running my hand through my hair so much. So ladies, if you ever want to stay over, you know I've got superior hair products for you in the morning. And fellas, you gotta get with the Biolage.

c. And last, but certainly not least: The Avalanches. (A quick aside here, again, before I get started: Last summer, my boy burgoon hooked me up with an amazing CD from one of my favorite groups in the last five years, the Avalanches. The Breezeblock mix. Hotness. I was rolling around Indianapolis bumping this in my Taurus rental car and getting my tradeshow on. Then one day after bumping the mix CD, my old boy Wes called to tell me that he knew about my, er, substance abuse problem and that it would be wise for me to lay off the avalanches. He said this literally like two seconds after I had flipped off the Avalanches mix CD. Needless to say, that lead to some confusion, but let me assure you fair reader (narc) that we are in fact talking about the band and not extracurricular activities.)

Right, so anyways, the Avalanches. If this band comes out with a new CD soon or decides to finally tour the US, I want to be on record as being solidly on their collective jock. Fuck a Flatbush avenue mix CD with some stupid 50 cent remix or some whack ass hipster mashup with Biggie and Gnarls Barkley (I’ve heard it. It's whack). This group puts together mashups of epic proportions and you know the HBCC has got the back of any band that wants to rip up Daft Punk AND Hall & Oates. For real, check it, soon. The first album, Since I Left You, is the perfect music for people on acid (I’m just making assumptions here) and their rare mix CDs that ARE out there, are just 30-60 minute amazing jam sessions that will take you all over the map, from George Michael to Missy Elliot to Queen. WTF man, double-U tee eff? Seriously. Its just that sort of randomness that we like to model our bullshit after. Let us know if you want some tunes. We’ll hook it up. On our way home from the hilly hills of PA and one hell of a rafting trip, we threw this on (pre-Colossal Burger at Fridays) and rocked out. I also once made a car trip from Vegas to LA with only one CD, an Avalanches Mix Tape. Approximately an hour long. I listened to it four times. And then again that night cruising the Sunset Strip in my Pontiac Grand Prix rental (hotness). Anyways, the post rafting trip revolved around us freaking out about the Trinidad and Tobego song which one day I will upload to this site. In the meantime you can read here to get a little idea of what kind of craziness they produce.



spinachdip said...

Oh snap, I haven't thought about this album in so long. And I remember back in 2001, I was telling anyone would listen how frickin awesome a musical achievement Since I Left You was.

And that remix of that Belle & Sebastian song is all sorts of phenomenal.

stantonandorchard said...

it was truly an amazing album, one that i still rock on a regular basis. i've even gone so far as to send an email to brooklynvegan to see if we can mobilize on organizing an Avalanches show or DJ set here in NYC as they seem to still be doing live stuff, just not here in the US. anyways, if you ever want one of their live mixes, feel free to shoot me an email: stantonandorchard at

Captain Handsome said...

"I'd like to be on record as having sucked a few dicks in admiration before I died..."

Direct quote from your post....don't think i will ever ever forget you said that or let you forget you said that.

stantonandorchard said...

yeah, you'll notice you're not on the list, you non-posting sonofabitch. get off your lazy ass and post someting about tacos or something...oh, wait, nevermind. ALLEZ!!