gotcha hands up get them muthafckas higha

GREETINGS from the Mile High Shitty. Wish you were here? Well don't. (Denver people, FYI, what you're reading is called a blog. You all will find out about these in due time. The same time you realize that mullets and meth went out of style a long time ago.)

Maybe my expectations were just too high. I mean, its the freaking mile high city, right? I was thinking: mountains. glaciers! THE WILD WEST!! And yet, as I sat pondering my existence in a Taco Bell on what is considered (I guess) the main drag in town, I realized that Denver is really just the Detroit of the West.

Let me briefly explain: (and, no, this isn't a "well it ain't NYC so fuck it" rant. I was out in Portland last month. It was beautiful. Denver is not beautiful). Ever been to San Francisco? Denver has the same kind of homeless people - pushy and just really dirty looking. Ever been to Cleveland? Denver has the same kind of boring skyline. Ever been to Detroit? Denver has a similar urban sprawl problem, except its more like an arid desert outside the city. Ever been to West Virginia? Denver's mountains are about as exciting as the Appalachians.

Basically, from what I've seen today, if you take the worst or most boring part of every city you've ever been to, then you're beginning to see what it's like here. And what's worse about this week/weekend is that multiple tradeshows have descended on the city, mine included (jeez, tradeshows. that's a whole nother story). I don't know if you have ever witnessed four middle aged men walk out of an Applebee's wearing matching denim shirts, jeans that are faded to about the same color as the shirts, and a delightful array of different workboots and/or white or black Pro Walkers, but I have. It happened a few hours ago. I'm just now getting over the shock of it. And to those who know me: if I reach the age of 40+ and you see me wearing something similar, please kill me, painfully. Thank you in advance.

Anyways, I'll be here the next coupla days, just gettting my tradeshow on. Here's what my exciting first day consisted of:

1. Visit show floor. Stand around, try to take pictures, get in the way, act awkward around power tools and large machinery, leave.
   
2. Visit "New York Style" pizza place. Get thoroughly dissapointed at 'pizza' slice, get mad, consider complaining, throw away 3/4 of a slice so that everyone else waiting can see me do it, leave.
3. Visit Sonic. Eat double spicy jalepeno burger. Have homeless woman wearing Atlanta Falcons jersey ask for change. Give her change, ask for receipt (I'm expensing it bitch!!**)
4. Visit Taco Bell. Eat a chicken grilled stuffed burrito with Large Mt. Dew. Hope that I get food poisoning.
5. Walk outside. Almost get hit by a bus.
6. See dudes in all denim outfits. Decide to call it a night. Watch Detroit Tigers continue to blow it. Realize that life is pointless.

**Kidding, but how funny would that be? Not that funny? yeah, okay