93 million miles away from came one to represent the nation

This one’s going out to you little guy. Hey listen, sorry to hear the news man. C’mon, chin up. It’s not so bad. Who wants to be a planet anyways? I mean, talk about a glass ceiling. Except for that whole, “Let’s let Pluto not be the last planet even though he is” bit that those other planets pulled on you, you were never going anywhere. Look at where you’re at now? Next time a satellite comes out your way, everyone’s gonna be like, “There’s Pluto, the first thing you come to outside of our galaxy.” Granted, they won’t call you a planet any more, but at least you’re first at something now.

Besides, who needs those non-PC bastards? “Dwarf Planet?” That’s some cold shit right there. Couldn’t they have come up with something a little nicer, like “Smallest planet with a heart of gold” or “Did the best he could for as long as he could but we had to cut him loose planet?” It just ain’t right.

Now, look, I know you’re probably super pissed right now, and that’s understandable. But don’t going taking out this aggression on Earth by crashing in to us or something like that. I think I speak for the rest of us when I say that we don’t mean you any disrespect like those know-it-all scientists do. I mean, you and me: we’re boys. Remember back in school when I couldn’t remember who you were, and you were all like, “C’mon dawg, it’s me. Last planet? Outer belt? First name starts with a ‘P’?” Eventually we were like best friends cause I knew you knew what I was going through, out there, all cold and alone feeling like no one ever came to visit you. Granted, soon there after I found out about girls and masturbating and all that stuff and then you and me weren’t so close any more, but it wasn’t just you, I shut out all the other planets at that point, and all my science subjects for that matter (cept anatomy, OH SNAP!). Even when Jupiter went on that whole ego-trip thing cause like a couple big rocks were getting all up in her shit. I didn’t care. After you, Pluto, how could I love another?

So, dude, Pluto, cheer up. This isn’t the end of the world for you. (Well maybe it is and its just taking like 5 gazillion light years for the images to get here.) Everyone who went through elementary school before today and didn’t eat too too much LSD in college knows what a stud you once were.

Maybe you and Tom Cruise can get together and whine about getting dumped.

Here’s to you Pluto. You made a damn fine run at it -- HBCC