vibrations good like sunkist

Hard to miss all those fancy beach bags on the subway this morning, usually being toted around by girls who weigh about half of what the bag does and usually holding up everyone while they struggle to get to work before they spend a glorious weekend getting tanned up drinking mudslides and slow roasting like a rotisserie chicken at Kennedy Fried Chicken on 14th Street between Avenues A and B (read: HBCC elks lounge).

But we sympathize. The beach is fun and sandy and we inevitably find our fat, pasty white beer guts jiggling up and down as we frolic in the cool waves of enjoyment and then slather sun tan lotion on each other so that we don’t not get good looking by getting all nice and tan.

So, in an effort to help everyone have a better time at the beach this weekend, or any weekend, we’ve put together the following chart that is chock full of important information that you should refer to anytime you are even thinking about going to the beach.There are a few very important things here to note. First, this chart is 3-D. Now what that means is that it is three-dimensional and it’s going to appear that each of the lines has depth and width, when in reality they only have height. Second, since 1989 when we started doing our research (shout out to all you 9-year-old HBCC fans, get your research on kidz!) you can see that bobsleds have just never really caught on at the beach.

For the first few years we were seeing a staggering amount of Fritos being consumed at the beach, but that has since dropped off and has even been surpassed by the number of bobsleds on the beach.

Third, the level of d-bags who frequent the beach seems to vary based on a number of different factors including leap years, El Nino, transportation strikes, gas prices, hair product prices and the world supply of gold jewelry. We saw a significant spike in 2000 and 2001 just after George W won the election, but in 2002 East Timor became a new nation, so we think a lot of people skipped town on vacation that year. 1991 was the worst infestation ever due in large part to the popularity of such amazing pop music like ‘Good Vibrations’ by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch (c’mon c’mon, feel it feel it)

This leaves us with Rogan Josh and Handsomeness. Rogan Josh was all the rage back in ’89, but people soon realized that spicy Indian food at the beach just isn’t as enjoyable as in a dimly lit restaurant on 6th Street (Spice Cove, what? Shout out to the most relaxing bathroom in the world). Plus, the hazards involved with eating Indian food in a bathing suit…well, we don’t need to go into detail here. Let’s just say that you can’t do an explosive number two in the water and think that no one will notice.

Finally, Handsomeness. What more needs to be said about this? 1999 was a bomb-ass year for it, but then again, what year isn’t a bomb-ass year for being handsome?

So, in summation: bobsled-o-rama, leave the Fritos and Indian food at home, watch out for douchebags, and always be handsome!

Sing the theme song: Sometimes when I am lonely/ And my Rogan’s not in reach/ I head on down the turnpike/ make a quick stop at the beach/ Bathing bodies/ and sandy crabs/ And somewhere in the madness/ My bobsled’s getting mad/ Sooooooorrryyy bobsled/ We’ll hang together soon/ Soooooorrrrry bobsled/ I think of you when I sing this tune ::teardrop::

HAPPY WEEKEND FROM THE HBCC