Get the Fuck Out 2006

HAPPY NEW YEARS YOUR RAVENOUS BASTARDS!

So I am ready for 2006 to end and the Handsomest year ever to begin. Get ready cause 007 is gonna be the bomb. Yeah, same ending as Bond. James Bond. That means explosions, girls, intrigue, espianage, and just plain flat out Handsomeness. Anyhow, the Bobsled and I are goin to a Twister Party in Bensonhurst. I am pumped as shit. Check out a picture from last year:

Wherever you are, whoever you are with, have a great new year, fuck you 2006 and Bienvenidos 007! Right hand red, left foot yellow! Don't end up like this either.

my team is good, my robes is good, moms is good, my style is good

sup. thought i'd take time out from getting handsome to give you a glimpse into the madness that is the minds of the HBCC.

recently i read a post over at the assimilated negro that dropped a heavy IM conversation about placing a moratorium on the word douche, douchebag, etc. you can check it out, it's a really great read (just like all the other stuff).

so i got the captain on the line today (google talk, holla) and we got into it deep. check it (CH = Captain Handsome; BC = Bobsled Commando):

CH: that smile is dope :) :) :) :)
:):):):):):):):):):)
word
BC: :) :( :) :( :) :( :) :( :) :( :) :( :) :(
:/
:?
CH: damn no sideways
BC: i wish there were more
CH: 8)
BC: :-)
CH: :<
BC: sup nose
CH: :,)
BC: nope
CH: what is the nose, how is that done
BC: :%
:@
CH: :-)
BC: :!
CH: holla
BC: brilliant!
CH: :}
solid stuff

Get Handsome Part 1, Subsection A

[Get Handsome is a continuing series from the makers of Handsome Bobsled, Captain Commando aimed at helping you improve your style, assuming your style needs improving, which, if you're reading HBCC already, it probably doesn't. But whatever, we press on with a brief addendum to yesterday's post:]

1.) Sometimes Wikipedia can hook up some decent information. For instance, following our last Get Handsome post which broached the questions about the origins of 'The World is Yours' by Nas, we decided to do what the kids these days are calling, "research." Here is what I found.

2.) The Fader blog the other day released its Listmania for 2006. Never traditional and always entertaining, the featured lists take a humorous look back at a few things from the year that was, including music, pop culture and, in particular, a few fashion trends that are coming and that need to go. Since we're staying with the Get Handsome theme this week, I'll save you the trouble of reading all of the lists (although you should) and cut right to what you need to know about 'trendy' shit in 2007:

Top Six Nominees For 2007 Fashion Trend Deathwatch
6. All-over print hoodies/anything
5. Jeans with things embroidered on them
4. Fat boys in skinny jeans (please stop)
3. Body branding, ie Kanye West shaving the Fendi logo into his hair, etc
2. Rappers in golf attire (Young Dro is the exception that proves the rule -
still, this just isn't cute)
1. Skulls

"whoa whoa whoa. so all-over is all over?"

Top Five Brands Deserving of A 2007 Comeback
5. British Knights
4. Troop (again)
3. Pierre Cardin
2. Kappa
1. Starter

"see you January 8th"

Get Handsome Part 1: Hats

[happy holidays! just checking in over the break to relay a little discovery we made while doing some last minut shopping on saturday. this is also the first in our unofficial installments of Get Handsome, where we tell you about something you should really know more about to help you step your game up. without further adieu...]

hats. one of the baddest accessories out there and yet one that can so easily make you look really bad - and not in the good way. i'd venture to say that it takes more determination to rock a amazing hat, than it does to take on the world in an outrageous pair of kicks. especially when you're rockin a 7 3/4 or higher 59fifty.

so where can one go to find an amazingly unique and at-the-same-time stunning cap these days? why, look no further than down the street and you'll find (just past the amazing reed space): Still Life NYC.

first thing you might notice is that their website has dope music. (this is a trend i am in favor of, big time. as soon as i figure out how to post up a track from this Fela Kuti Live album i just got fir christmas (Thanks Santa!!!), or 'Down for So Long' by The Rapture, i will. and then you'll actually enjoy our site just that much more. hard to believe, i know...)

second thing you might notice is the hat selection. so many hats you wouldn't believe, but here is just a little sample, and, not coincidentally, the hat that i'm now saving for:
amazing, no? now, really, there's a lot to be said for the bow-tie and the scarf in that photo, but i'm just trying to tackle one item at a time here. don't even get the HBCC started on bow-ties...

right, so, check out the online stuff, start getting read up on hats, and not just the ones with sports teams on them, feel free to suggest other stores you might know of in the comments.

oh, and, whatever you do, if you're in NYC, visit the actual Still Life shop:77 Orchard Street. They have two dope ass dogs that lounge around the store, a grey jacket that is too nice for words (and too expensive for my budget, especially around the holidays) AND when i was in there on Saturday, the song that came on in the background was an acoustic-like verion of Nas' 'The World is Yours?' [Weiss: can you help out here? know of an acoustic or original version of 'The World is Yours' or 'Whose World is This?' Bonus Question: is it bad form to ask a shop owner what's on the stereo? i kinda feel like when you own a shop or boutique and you've got a straight dirty mix of music, its kind of your own little secret, and that asking is just rude plus kinda amateurish. or maybe that's just me...]

anyways, i don't know how many of you people spent the summer of '06 screaming this in bars and at 4am in your living room, but we did. And hearing it made me feel like i could buy three $700 jackets AND a motherfuckin bottle of Cristal. So I quickly ran out of the store...

but really, go, shop, Get Handsome.

it's beginning to look a lot like bob-sled

Ah the holidays. So freakin happy right now.

My holiday Christmas party got cancelled, so no funny stories like my brotha Balderdash has to offer.

And Handsome got laid off back in November (sorry Handsome, just had to put that out there) so now he’s off courting new job offers in the lap of luxury (LA) and definitely not attending holiday parties to write funny posts about.

And my ex-girlfriend has informed me that she’ll be sleeping with the bartender at Epsteins from now on, so there’s that too. And we’re broke, and the NY Times wrote a story on streetwear, so it looks like that whole fad is over. Fun while it lasted though.

And we upgraded to Blogger 2.0 and that’s impossible for a two un-smart people like ourselves to figure out.

And we were nice enough to get invited to the Blogmukkah extravaganza, but then my flight home from Chicago got cancelled, so we couldn’t come hang out with all the people we’ve been looking forward to meeting in person.

And its snowing in Denver

Oh, and I spent the night in Hoboken last night. Unbelievably happy about that.

So, look: we’ll be back in 2007. “Come back like Jordan, wearin the 4-5” like the Jigga man would say. We want to say thank you very much to everyone who has come by the blog over the past coupla months, thank you for a great year, we wish you all nothing but the best in the New Year, Stay Handsome and Allez Bobsled! AUF WIEDERSEHEN

make it count like jordan at crunch time

hey, so, that was a heck of a weekend huh? nothing like coming down with the flu after burning every last brain cell in the brain bouncing back and forth between brooklyn, union square and the LES.

i believe the popular phrase in this case is 'mailing it in.' shit, we put the stamp on the envelope, licked the seal, and then pretty much passed out in the gutter on our way to the mailbox on the corner.

and somewhere today (shortly after watching real world: denver yet just before the tylenol PM hit the system) we were flipping through the ole bookmarks and came across something truly brilliant. one sec: actually, the captain called me yesterday to let me know his idea and he's actually on something original and intelligent. my style is more to clue people in to something really, really awesome.

so, people, if you're a lover of the hip hop and street culture, tune your computer to one of the mo betta designed websites that i've seen in a long while. (if you're at work, pop on your headphones, click through the brief intro images and then crank the volume).

check it: Inquiring Mind

but what about the wonder woman bracelet

happy champagne weekend part II.

yeah

this dj be warren g

happy champagne weekend to everyone. make it a good one yo.

CHEERS!!

from the heart of medina to the head of ft. greene

1.) We love streetwear. We embarked on a journey this summer to order the most ridiculous pair of sneakers from pickyourshoes.com that we could find. Funny thing is, when I told the Captain that he should order Nike Delta Force Air 3/4 Deluxes with leopard print on the toes, I kinda thought they were sweet. Then he got them and started wearing them, and I was envious, maybe even a little jealous. But you know what? I didn’t kill him in his sleep for them, cause he’s my buddy and I’m happy for him to rock a sweet pair of kicks. It’s what friends do for each other. It was maybe one of the first time I had experienced that feeling because a.) guys don’t usually go shopping for each other, so that was a whole new experience for me and b.) I haven’t had the chance to go through most of the sh*t that we’ve gone through and I feel like we’re damn good buddies.

Anyways, streetwear. December 10th is the 25 year anniversary of the Nike Air Force One. 1981 man. I bought a pair of AF1’s last summer from Jimmy Jamz or whatever it is down on Delancey. Living on the Lower East Side, you see a ton of people wearing these shoes, although most people are rocking the Nike Dunk Lows (big difference, for real). And all I had ever owned since moving to New York was really stupid looking shoes: some Pumas, lots of running shoes, dress shoes, some Addidas. But nothing that made me feel the way I imagined people with Nikes must feel: friggin sweet.

So when I finally got my own pair it was just like, “Daaammmnnnn.” I’m materialistic like that, I’ll admit it. But there’s something about lacing up a super fresh pair of kicks that makes you feel a little bit hipper. And there are none better to do it with than the AF1’s. I have a pair of Air Terminators Low (awesome too, little air pockets all through the sole) and a pair of Dunk Highs (with red and white seersucker along the side, see photos in the first link above). I’ve also got a pair of Air Max 90’s that I customized using that whole Nike ID system online (they didn’t quite turn out the way I’d hoped, but I still rock them from time to time).

All of these are well and good, but I still go back to the Air Force 1’s any time I need a go-to shoe. And with the anniversary of a legend coming up on Sunday, even though you may not be Nigo or Kanye West or Charles Barkley with a personal invite to the anniversary soiree, and you might not have the budget to go online and get these, you should at least cruise down to your local shoe store (or the Reed Space if possible) and pay homage to a classic. 2.) I know some people who don’t eat any vegetables at all. Like not even lettuce in a salad. I’m not sayin, I’m just sayin.

3.) Audrey writes haikus sometimes. Well, okay, almost all the time. They’re unique, original and modern. If I knew anything about art or literature, I’d draw a comparison between her style and someone else really talented, yet underappreciated. Alas, I don’t know nothing. Which I hope doesn’t dequantify my authority on the subject: I know cool stuff. I just can’t recall names and points of reference at all. So, yeah, take that for what its worth.

4.) A recent post over on This Is What We Do Now has sparked quite a debate between the HBCC. See, Larry (dude who writes TIWWDN) argued that the new Geico commercials are of sub-standard quality and are ruining the legacy of the original, extremely hilarious set of commercials. My favorite and the one I feel is most underrated in that set (like Audrey’s haikus, just not hilarious, but still brilliant and underrated) is the one where the two cavemen are sitting in their nicely furnished apartment - one playing the piano, the other watching TV – when the Geico commercial comes on. When it finishes, the one playing the piano stops playing, looks up and says, in a voice of extreme discontent, “Ah, that is sooo condescending.” Hilarious.

(Tangent City: What’s up with only the one caveman being used in the new commercials? Talk about art imitating life: survival of the fittest. This is the dude who nailed the, “I don’t have much of an appetite” line and now he’s the official caveman spokesperson. But the funny (ironic?) thing is that this Darwinian theory actually did apply to REAL cavemen. WOW. Wow. ((Tangent TANGENT City: I love the Sonic commercial with the two dudes sitting in the car and the one guy is like, “Wow, there is a lot of food in this breakfast wrap…it’s like a breakFEAST! Wow. WuhuhuhOOWWW! A breakFEAST!!” and then he just keeps on sayin it. It cracks me up.))

(SUPER BONUS TANGENT: The king in the Burger King commercials is starting to win me over with his stunt, crash, thumbs up commercials for that new line of video games. I'm easily amused.)

Anyways, wow (WuhuhuhOOWW. A tanGENT!) So, we’re arguing now. Because, I agreed with Larry but Captain Handsome adamantly disagrees. And, after seeing the Geico caveman newscast commercial last night, I kind of see Handsome's point. I mean, I knew the punchline was, “Looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the rock this morning!” and that’s pretty funny, sure. But what really gets me is the beginning of the dialog, when the caveman says, “First off, I’m not 100% in love with your tone right now.” That line alone is f’ing great. And the one where he’s walking on the moving walkway in the airport: really solid also. It's a tough one for the actor cause the facial expressions are the gist of the commercial but, again, the guy nails it. So really whoever produces these spots for Geico is still getting it right and, after careful consideration, I have to rescind my comment about agreeing with Larry.

5.) Tomorrow we're hostng a champagne party. Pictures to follow. This post only took me like 30-40 minutes to write. Suckas.

whatup ma, i got a pocket full of stinkys

Life comes at you fast sometimes, especially on the weekends. Seems like some weeks you spend Monday-Friday looking forward to how awesome the weekend is gonna be - the chance to chill withcha brahs, drink some brews, meet some new people, listen to some tunage, nosh on some Rosarios - whatever. All you think all week is: damn, this weekend is gonna be the weekend I get laid bomb!

And you get all worked up and you go running out of your office, or wherever it is that you spend all day, and you rush to get home, eat some food (hopefully) and then get down to business: drinking. Excessive amounts of drinking. Maybe a call to Eddy. Whatever. Friday night, Saturday morning, Saturday afternoon, Saturday night, early Sunday morning and then, the next thing you know, you're staring down the barrel of another work week, thinking, "damn son, what the hell happened to the weekend/checking account?"

Well when you reach that point on Self-Loathing Sunday, you've experienced what is commonly referred to as a Friturday. For instance, take this hypothetical conversation with one of your co-workers on Monday:

Stupidhead coworker 1: "...so then, as we were coming out of Off the Wagon, my girlfriend threw up all over my new loafers. I was totally pissed, but I was so piss drunk, I didn't even care. Then we yelled at some homeless guy, got in my new Lexus and drove back out to Long Island."

Stupidhead coworker 2: "BRO, I like totally saw you at the bar! ::high five:: Did you see that chick with the super enormous titties? Awh bro, BRO, I was soooo wa-hay-stedededed. Dude, what did you do this weekend?"

Me: "Uh, well, when I don't really remember. I mean, I know I went home, made a phone call, started drinnking, and the next thing I knew it was Sunday. GOD, I have got to stop abusing so many substances on Friturdays."

Said phrase can also be used to refer to any combination of days in which a bender might take place. For those in the food service industry, there' s the ever popular Monsday. There's also the lesser known Thuesday, although at that point, you might as well make it a Tueturday...

And now you know.

we can trade places get lifted in staircases

EHHHHRRRRrrrrr, hiiiiii. ummmm, how's it goin?

yeah.

eh, that was awkward huh?

no no no no, not that. i meant, well, um, well you know.

that whole last post thing. kinda serious, kinda not. kinda weird.

yeah.

no, its not you, its me. it's just, i've been under a lot of pressure lately. and, i just haven't been feeling like myself.

yeah, uh huh.

i understand. okay, here's a picture that my sister took of Vanilla Ice slamming Jager at some bar in Philly...

good talk. see you arond.

scoop jackson the facking hack OR how our friends at YAYsports got play-gerized and didn't get no love

hi. the dude who writes YAY Sports is one of my favorite writers. he made this...



and this...



BUT he also writes hilarious stuff about the NBA.

now, this is far from being some kinda sports blog, but, hey, we have other interests besides being slovenly and other stuff. namely, reading other blogs when we're supposed to be working or whatever it is we're supposed to be doing while we sit in front of a computer all day.

so it made our little hearts sad beyond belief to read the tale of how an ESPiN writer stole a fucking brilliantly funny idea from YAY and tried to pawn it off as his own.

First, a warning: to understand what I'm talking about, you have to do some reading. And some linking. So just give up now if you don't feel like doing that. But, we feel its for a good cause.

Ready? Okay. So The Cavalier writes about the NBA. This year the NBA introduced a new ball. Everyone hates it. So The Cavalier made the new ball into a recurring character. Have a look here. See? Some funny stuff in there. Then, just last week, the idea got stolen by this dude who writes for ESPiN. Start here. Then here.

so to that guy, scoop jackson, we say: dude, that sucks. whatever man, maybe somebody somewhere who doesn't know about pickyourshoes.com thinks you're the man. but really, the people who know what's up know that you you don't know what's up. and you have to go home at the end of the day (or maybe you work from home, whatever) and think about the fact that you just straight up ganked a hilarious idea from someone else, put your name on it, turned it in to the stupid editors at ESPiN and then went home and masturbated to gay porn. is that libel or something? yeah, probably. but if you sue us, you'll win, take some of our money, go home and masturbate to gay porn again. then feel better, then get drunk, then wake up and have to face self-loathing sunday with nothing but your blog post that you didn't think up, our money and your vast collection of gay porn.

anyways, thank you for reading. support the cause if you feel so compelled.

if you like 6' 3" 231 lbs quarterbacks with laser rocket arms

Dear people who own Hummers: thanks for the weather this week. I thought I was done sweating for the year, but, no, actually the heat goes on.

Anyways, our own Captain referenced this on Tuesday, but after seeing the record setting number of comments on his post, I thought I’d round out the week with something that expands on the idea of a Drink-Off. Besides, I have visions of the Bourbon Samurai holding a sword to my throat, and I scare easily (last night I had a dream about Freddy Krueger and had to call my mom at like 3 in the morning).

First off: Happy Weekend. We made it America. As John Cougar Mellencamp says on those fucking truck commercials, “This is our country.” And then, as Jimmy Johnson says in that Miller Lite commercial, “Duh-uumb.” And as the caveman says, “I don’t have much of an appetite ::death stare::”

Second: A drink off. Yes, I said it, a drink off.

My friend and I had a little conversation before the Nada Surf show at the Hiro Ballroom Monday, shortly after polishing off some tequila shots. See, she is the manager/owner/founder of one Brooklyn Drinkers Club, based in, you guessed it, Brooklyn. Jeah. Well, freaking, wouldn’tchaknowit, shortly after consuming tequila, some shit starts getting talked up like a freaking vindaloo mouth suppository.

Yeah, HBCC v. BDC was the idea. A battle royale drink off. A drink till you die and then drink some more night of drinking our faces off.

The idea hit me like a moment of clarity (I hate those). It went like this: Two teams line up on either side of a table from each other, kind of like flip cup. Beforehand, one team chooses the weapon, i.e. tequila, vodka, whiskey, etc. Then, the first team members begin taking shots until they puke. When the first person pukes, the second person begins taking shots, and so on down the line. First team to have everyone puke wins. Unfortunately, we failed to see eye-to-eye on this idea. Apparently (and correct me if I’m wrong friend who knows who she is), the BDC doesn’t include hard liquor in their get-togethers. Which is cool: I mean, the idea of a drinker’s club is a social activity. Let’s get together share in some drinks, maybe compare/contrast drinks, wax intellectual – all while tying one on. It’s nice. It probably results in people remembering what they did the night before, maybe hooking up (as opposed to passing out, as the HBCC is wont to do).

No liquor. And that’s the problem. BDC says, “Oh, a social interaction, this will be fun.” HBCC says, “DRINK OFF, DIE SCUMBAGS, DIE!!!”

Really. Like, I told the HBCC about the challenge and then the no liquor caveat and people were pissed. Like for real. A lot of F Brooklyn’s and what not. And then of course Snakes, the only female member of the HBCC (so far), weighs in with WEAKLES BENEAKLES and that straight blew the door of it. (Some time we’ll tell the story of how Snakes is the most unintentionally racist person on the planet. It’s hilarious)

Anyways, a drink off has some very interesting potential. And, no, the BDC has not answered our challenge yet. So...yeah, we’ll make this an open challenge: 30 beers (Bud Lite), a fifth of liquor (TBD), and a Crave Case from White Castle. First team (FYI, we'll call a 'team' eight (8) members) to finish every item retains the title of BLOGWORLD DRINK-OFF CHAMPIONS. Contest to be held in New York City only. (Not valid in Mexico, New Mexico, or anywhere else that encourages people to drink when they’re five years old. I’m looking at you Russia and Kentucky).

Well, something to consider.

HAPPY WEEKEND!!! STAY HANDSOME!!!

Our Good Friend Travis America

Travis America had been working on some possible ablum covers for his upcoming Musical Masterpiece. What do you think? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
1)2)

3)

I apologize in advance. Not for the music obviously as it rocks. I apologize for the filth that I posted. Please do not let your children read our post for atleast 2 weeks until this filth clears. The album will obviously have the appropriate warning stickers if any of this lovely cover art is chosen. Alef! Alef!

I can read Chapter Books! You Can't Read No Chapter Books!

Don't rush into thought. Take a moment and just ease into it. Put your hands on your hips, cock your head back 5 degrees and gaze deeply into the sunset. It will come. Deep Thought. I know most of you out there have not had a deep thought in probably the last.........birth. Seriously, do you remember the last time you were lost in your deepest Thought Chambers? I hadn't visited in quite some time until recently. That is why you have not seen any handsome post's lately, as this most certainly isn't a venue for deep thought. But here are some great venue's for deep thought and meditation that I found over the past 2 weeks:

1) Williamsburg Waterfront - Errr....warehouse space......errrr hipster cracktown......errrr hidden gem. I took my first hike through the barren Paradise of Perfect last Sunday. Start your trip out to this Graffitti Cementarium (pronounced Cem-ment-airy-um) by cruising down Delancey and over the Williamsburg Bridge. It provides some fantastic view's of the city and assorted Brooklynites making deep heartfelt documentaries for our times. I met Bob Worthienstein who was making a documentary of the FDR for his pet hamster. Great Guy. Anyhow, the Waterfront, especially along Kent Street, is one of the last untoched bastians for deep thought in this city. I am not sure what it is but there is some serious Feel to the place. You feel like you are totally alone and possibly the last person on the planet. Until you look up into what looks like a deserted warehouse and there you see a retarded nice apartment. Or turn a corner to find a skate shop with a dope ass half pipe... where you realize that there is actually life out here. I recommend the floral couch located in the overflowing dumpster on 11th street for the deepest of thoughts.
Deep thought rating: 3 Joints!

2) 99 Miles to Philly - Welllllllll what the hell. I decided that on my 2nd ever trip to this East Village (3rd Ave. Between 12th and 13th st) Cheesesteak Haven I would go for a Zen Experience. I enjoyed my first trip there but didn't feel like the complete fat, fuck, lazy, shit waste after eating my steak sandwich like I do after a Karl's Cheesesteak. Sooooo I, readers please don't judge, decided to eat 2 cheesesteaks. Hmm, how do I describe this...... sitting in a rickity little cheesesteak shop with my belt unbuttoned and unable to walk for 25 minutes after finishing my meal........and do it justice. Hmmm. Ah Ha! I was in deep thought!
Deep thought Rating: 1 Blunt

3) Barker Lounger - You know, chillin in the living room with no job. That shit gets deep! Deep Thought Rating: Argyle!

Sooooo I just got word that the BDC "Brooklyn Drinkers Club" is challenging the HBCC to a drink off. Can you believe this? To me this is the equivelant to the Japanese Bombing Pearl Harbor. HBCC of course being the honorable sleeping beast known world wide as AMERICA! Remember what happened when such audacity reared its head in the past. Did someone say Nagasaki. Stay tuned for updates on this breaking story!

if i'm too simple then ya'll don't get the basics

Happy Holidays from the HBCC, or HHFTHBCC!

1.) Visit our friends (aka people we envy) over the break and get to know why we think they’re the best:

You Look Really Great

Passion of the Weiss

The Gay Beach

NYC Balderdash

Velvet Sea

Wachs This Way

Misguided Misadventures in NYC

Low Concept

R2K

Down With Detroit

Bohemian Playboy

the simple mission

Joshua Wildman

Curbed

Eater

Slam X Hype

Pick Your Shoes

YAY Sports

LeBlog

FreeDarko

2.) I asked for some help earlier this week and I’m still hoping a few people out there can throw down that ulta-obscure recommendation that’s going to throw my 12 year middle school reunion into a frenzy. Weigh in with whatcha got.

3.) Yesterday I was chatting with a hot sexy babe online. I mean like really hot and sexy and baby (huh?) Anyways, she says to me:

Dateline15fnaked: hey big boy
HBCC: me?
Dateline15fnaked: ;) yeah you
HBCC: uh huh, ohhhhhh yeah
Dateline15fnaked: i'm wearing orange undies today
HBCC: that sounds sweet
like an orange
or a cumquatt
Dateline15fnaked: ewww, you’re gross, I’m gone. But I’ll leave the backdoor open and a camera crew on hand in case you want to come over. And there’s gonna be lemonade and cookies also…
I totally thought I was gonna score, but, alas, my private school > state university education failed me. Something about the cumquatt comment totally blew it for me.

Disappointed, I headed over to the answer for everything, Wikipedia, to find out just what the fuck went wrong. I searched for cumquatt, and there it was, my glaring error revealed: spelling. Kumquat. Shit. Fuck shit balls. (earmuffs kids).

So I click on the link and there it is, the Kumquat, in all its glory. My interest piqued, I read on about this strange fruit of Earth passion:

“Kumquat- Kumquats are small orange fruits harvested from the crevices of dwarves arses, predominantly in the north west united states. The name is derived from the latin coom, meaning taste, and quat, meaning like foecal matter”

Well then, now I know what grossed out my little hottie: tastes like foecal matter? Gross. Fuck you Kumuat, fuck you in your stupid ass.

4.) Finally, thanks to all you who keep checking in from time to time. Happy Holidays to you and yours, safe travels and visit our friends over at GBEHH.com to hook up a little holiday cheer, email style

the sweet smell of victory, go head and breathe it in like anti-histamine

i tried racking my brain yesterday for something to post on today, something that would sum up my weekend in the fly-over state of O-H-I-O, something that would give you readers an accurate picture of what it's like to experience ground zero during the game of the century, what its like to eat at the flying pizza, what its like to do a bunch of stuff that you totally forget, what its like to drink four red bulls during one football game, what its like to see the bobsled commando eat a bunch of mushrooms and then run around like a chicken with its head cut off right after it ate a bunch of mushrooms....i mean, i tried really really hard to think of something: when i was puking in my friend's bathroom, when i was puking on the airplane, when i was near death at my sisters bathroom in philly, while i was riding the train through PA and into NJ and then into Penn Station, when i got blasted in the face with the stench of the subways again - i really really thought something would come to me.

alas, it wasn't until i emerged from the subway to my beloved LES once again that i was presented with the following photo and a post was formed and i had no problem at all coming up with it...

(man law: american apparel should run advertising for everyone)

wah-wah-wahhhahahahahahaha

for all you buckeye fans

HAPPY WEEKEND HBCC!!
GO BUCKS, BEAT MICHIGAN!!
STAY HANDSOME!!
ALLEZ BOBSLED!!
CHICKEN NOODLES SOUP WITH A SODA ON THE SIDE!!
FREESTYLE!!
THE WORLD FAMOUS JUICE BROS!!
FLYING PIZZA!!

mixtape of the people, for the people, by the HBCC

(Emmitt Smith is Handsome. Boobs McGee is Handsome too)

First off, congratulations to Emmit Smith who won last night’s dancing with the stars. Wow! Is this guy handsome or what?! Besides, beating AC Slater at anything is pretty much phenomenal. Sup now, Zach?

Second, parties.

Okay, so we started talking about this earlier this week, but I passed over one of the quint-e-fucking-ssential aspects of a good party: the music. Yeah, I said it, the music. Namely, the mixtape. Because unless you’re going to hire a DJ (lame) you don’t want to be hunched over your Apple iBook all night changing tracks at randome. It’s usually better (in this case) to get an iTunes playlist all lined up before people come over so you can DJ a little and then put it on automatic at other times.

Really though, good music I think can make or break a party. It’s like working in PR: when things are going right, no one says shit. When things are going wrong, everybody’s got something to say and no one’s having a good time.

Now, this will forever be up for debate: what makes a great mix tape? Sure, there are a ton of other factors to consider (genre, years, party theme, etc. etc. etc.) Well, readers, I’m gonna need your help and I’m going to try to be as specific as possible.

I’m going to take on the DJ duties at my 12 year middle school reunion (I know, a little untraditional, but that’s just how we roll at Our Lady of Sorrows in Farmington Hills, MI) So, I’m trying to put together the ultimate mix tape that’s just gonna throw everybody straight back to 1994 and earlier, when we used to go lace up our roller skates at Bonaventure skate rink or hit the arcade and watch all the Caldeans go crazy on Mortal Kombat or listening to 96.3FM on the radio.

Late 80’s, early 90’s is what I’m thinking here people. (yes, I ‘graduated’ middle school in ’94) But think about it: what a difficult time period to fit into one mixtape. I mean, shit, in just the first four years of the 90’s alone you’ve got two major genres exploding: gangster rap and grunge. Those two alone put you at opposite ends of the spectrum with regard to audiences. Then throw in the waning hair rock thing, the teen idols (Debbie Gibson, anyone?), the emerging boy bands (when did NKOTB hit it?), the R&B groups (boys to men), and some emo in there somewhere (that has never really been my forte).So, okay, enough rambling. Please help me out here. Below is a list that the HBCC has come up with. Your help is greatly appreciated. Feel free to leave artist and song suggestions in the comments section, because I have the feeling that for the people who frequent the HBCC, this kind of thing is right in their wheelhouse. THANKS! (I’ll post the final playlist in like two weeks time once I’m done compiling and building and sculpting and painting my masterpiece. click on the list to enlarge and then click again to magnify)

party time. excellent

(The Castle, The Colonel, The Captain, The Commando)

sometimes you throw a party and take what could be considered the best picture of your 26 year existence on this planet. this was not the case here, but I'll be damned if we weren't on the right track.

first off, props to NYCB for writing some of the truest shit this side of the Hudson River.

second off, yeah, we had a party over the weekend. sorry if you didn't get invited, but its the start of something beautiful and we wanted to try out our skils (scott skiles?) on our closest friends first before we just opened up the whole kitten kaboodle to our blogosphere friends. (its not that we weren't thinking of all you beautiful people who come here and read this from time to time, its just that we still suck at coordiantion and communication and that kind of stuff)

not blow myself here (still saving for the operation to have that last rib removed), but we threw a pretty good party this weekend. considering that we're amatures at doing so, i was moderately impressed. never have there been so many people smushed in an LES tenement building. and you can imagine that the smell of trans-fatty acids from a bucket of fried chicken and a crave case probably contributed to the overall, frenzied level that people reached.

surprisingly, no one threw up. but no one hooked up either, so, okay, i know what you're going to say already senor sexy - it wasn't fucking sexy. whatever. s'all good. i figure in like a month's time when we throw our christmas party, it will be an all-out orgy and we'll have to stock a case of magnum condoms instead of burgers. (speaking of which, free condoms for all you big-footed dudes out there. i ain't lookin, i'm just sayin: come to my friend's party and re-up on your supply:anyways, that whole party thing was well and good and my friends got to meet other friends of mine and it was a nice little collision of friendly worlds short of sitting around a campfire singing koom-by-ya-my-lord. and next time, we'll invite ya'll along, it's just that maybe it won't be in my apartment but at some place a little more conducive to movin and groovin...like my pants for instance. OH SCHAP, schnigggidy SCHNAP, no you di'int...what what, whuh, yeah, tikka tikka WHOHOOOO oohh oohh chheeppyyy meow meow

late breaking LES music alert

Monday night music people, here is my recommendation: get thee to pianos by 8pm to catch my insanely talented friends zach and sami perform with their band gold and gunmetal. pianos is at:

158 Ludlow St (Cross Street: Between Rivington Street and Stanton Street)
New York, NY 10002
(212) 505-3733
Directions: F, V at 2nd Ave

Hope everyone had a handsome weekend. We have some (maybe only one?) photo from our HBCC fall gala, but its a gem nonetheless. Hopefully we'll get that posted up some time in the next willenium.

i give em something to remember like the alamo

So, yeah, it's true: I ran in the ING New York City Marathon yesterday. (and yes, I am going to hell now for posting that picture. but, fuckit, its funny. besides, that woman looks like she's having the time of her life, and its not too far from how I felt when I finished) Thank you for your post, Handsome. Touching. Really. Oh, and Busta Rhymes called. Well actually his lawyers called. They want us to take his name off our website. Know what I say to that? gimme some mo

Right, Hmmmm, anyways. Marathon. THE Marathon. Lots of shit leading up this weekend to reflect on. First would be how to reference the marathon. I know its the ING New York City Marathon, but it's THE marathon, like THE Ohio State University. Cause when you say the marathon, and you're from New York, its not the Boston or the Chicago or the London marathons...Its THE motherfucking marathon. People kept asking me, "Oh you're running a marathon? Which one?" In the time it took you to ask that question, your purse just got stolen on the Broadway Junction platform so wake the fuck up.

Next question: "Oh, you're running the marathon? That's great! Are you training for it?" Okay, I don't know how many people actually sign up for a marathon and then just sit around eating Funyons for a whole summer or whatever, but here's what Lance Armstrong, a real American hero said about it, "I can tell you, 20 years of pro sports, endurance sports, from triathlons to cycling, all of the Tours, even the worst days on the Tours, nothing was as hard as that..." So, I mean, I don't know, who really does sign up for the marathon and not train, cause those people were still finishing while I was eating my first Epsteins burger in like two weeks and having what was like the most enjoyable cigarette since I first smoked one back in high school (rebel).

As far as the race itself went, nothing really funny happened along the way. NYC: you are the most beautiful city in the world and I wanted to cry man tears for like 26.2 miles yesterday as people lined the streets and were nice enough to yell my name that I had pinned to my tank top on a bootleg piece of cut-up t-shirt. In Bay Ridge it was the Italians saying, "Hey, theyre you go bobsled! That's a spicy meatball!" (okay, maybe not for real) And in Queens it was the hipsters saying, "HEY, who loves bobsled? Who loves bobsled?!" And in the Bronx they were like, "Uh, yeah, whatup crackas, welcome to the boogie down. Chicken Noodle Soup with a soda on the side!" (Youtube it.) And back in the 'Hattan? Um, well, going up 1st avenue through the heart of the UES, it was your usual fair of drunks and boisterous fans. Fun, but nothing too remarkable. As bland as you would expect the UES to be - no offense, and thanks for coming out. Then back down 5th Avenue - well, by that time I was 22 miles deep into what was seeming like a bad acid trip in the middle of an Also Sprach Zarasthusta (2001) jam at Alpine Valley, so people were talking, but I couldn't quite make out what they were saying. Actually, I just kept my head down and tried not to make eye contact - again, kinda like a bad acid trip, but more fun! errrr

Next thing I know, I'm blazing down the path in Central Park, my thighs pretty much reaching Chernobyl meltdown proportions and Handsome's words were echoing in my head, "bobsled, BOBsled, BOBLSED!!!" And fuck if I didn't finish a fucking marathon. Me. Blogger. Binge drinker. Chronic smoker. And now...athlete. It was a great day indeed. Again, love you NYC, you da best.

I'll leave you with one observation: if you ever go to watch THE marathon, or any marathon for that matter, it is NOT, by no fucking stretch of the imagination, okay to stand at the first mile marker and yell, "Good job, keep it up, only 25 more miles to go!!" Motherfucker