My New Job's a Dump

So reading America ,bobsled, travis america and 2 virgins from Idaho, have you missed me? I apologize from my absence however my life has turned upside down. Good stuff however. I got a new job! Yes, I work. Yes, someone hired me. No, I don't work hard. I will incude a picture to the right here that about sums it up. But this post isn't some shappy shit about me missing writing to the great audience of myself and bobsled. This is about my new job. No, not bragging about my new job........I assume you looked at the picture to the right ------> and know that there is in no way that I can be bragging. This issue is deeper. By deeper I mean I am backing up deeper and deeper here. The issue: THERE IS NOT ONE GODDAMNED WORTHY SHITTER IN THE ENTIRE PLACE THAT I WORK AT. You all know what I am talking about. That one golden commode that is on the 5th floor behind accounting, down the "C" staircase 2 flights, across a fire escape, and through a closet. The one holy seat that noone has placed an ass on accept for yourself in like 3 years. Every place has one. You may just be the hovering, nest making, slob with no ambition if you think your place of business doesn't have one. Fucken quitter. Anyhow, I am thinking about quitting over a shitter. Anyone feel me? Please leave me comments as to what I should do in this quandry. I promise I wil take your advice......that is if I don't die from passing a softball first. Didn't you miss me?

yo its the high post, you bout to get shot down

(continuing on our theme of foreign countries the other day...)
Lately I’ve developed a real love/hate relationship with the spam I get at work. I hate it cause there’s really just no end to it and it’s annoying and it clogs my inbox and if we didn’t run on a Mac platform, I’m sure I would have been fired by now for unleasing a virus that takes down our whole office and part of Manhattan. Seriously though, I reach for the ‘delete’ button but then I’m like, “Weelllll, maybe I actually DID hit the lottery in the Netherlands.” Or “Yeah, I guess I do want a few more inches…” but we don't need to get into all that here.

Anyways, I love spam emails though because some of the stuff is hilarious to read. (crazy to think that one day these will be the only surviving artifacts when people are researching the ‘Internet’ era. And god is some of this sh*t gonna make people mad confused.) Stuff like, ‘Compliment of the day,It is my pleasure to write this letter and at the same time thank you for creating time to go through my message,’ And ‘I currently have within my reach the sum of Sixty Million United States Dollars cash.’ (btw, who keeps 60 mil just lying around within their reach? I would either a.) spend that and get a 60 foot yacht within my reach or b.)put it in a bank and keep it out of my reach so I wouldn’t spend it on stupid sh*t, like 60 million dollars worth of Indian food. Spice Cove? Lemme hold that.)

Yet as funny as some of these spam emails are and as badly as they’re written, I was just starting to get frustrated with the fact that, whoever these brilliant writers are, they seem to be falling off their game a bit. The emails just didn’t have the same punch they used; that certain, je ne sais quoi.

And then, the spam gods answered my call with this little doozy. Ladies and gentlemen, I present you with the champion of spam emails: sing the theme song: ready to kill myself and eat my dog/ medicine prices are bad/ look at the site and call me one eight hundred if its wrong/ my dog and I are still alive/ ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh/ good day dear customer/ ohhhh yeahhhhh/ that’s good with a capital GOO/ and a smiley face taboot

exciting isn't it, a special kind of business

sing the theme song: test me?/ you don't wanna/ you start pullin punches?/ you's a ghana

but don't say my car's topless

HBCC Entertainment is proud to bring you two new, mouthwatering chunks of spicy goodness as the summer blockbuster season kicks into OD. First up is the new movie from critically acclaimed Tekka 'the dragon' Don and Rogan 'the wrangler' Josh. Their new movie, Indian Ninja, is about to make a mockery of any epic you ever thought to be E-P-I-C, brah.

The second is a hot release from new taste sensation, Travis McGee and The Revelers. Their first album, Love Songs in the Key of Bi-Curious, is sure to get your love juices abubblin', whether you're gay, not-straight or in straight up denial (straight up now tell me, huh, yeah). (editor's note: actually, Travis McGee and The Revelers are a kick ass band that make music for drinking whiskey. they are a real band, but love songs in the key of bi-curious is NOT the name of their upcoming album and the above image is NOT the cover art that was evenly remotely considered. check back here for details on their new record and upcoming NYC shows, fo real)

Keep checking in with HBCC (Handsome Bobsled, Captain Commando) all summer as we keep kicking ass and taking names and chewing bubble gum and then running out of gum and kicking even more ass but still taking everyone's name, YEAH

sing the theme song: you can't front on the H to tha B to tha C C/ we come real live and we stay on the scene/ we get up in your face without getting too mean/ when we're finished kicking game you know exactly what we mean/ summer oh-sizzix, boyyyyyy/ rogan josh and tekka don takin ova/ t mcgee and his reveling posse/ got the block on lock/ kick it one time

maybe you'll love me when i fade to black

Love is a strange thing. There’s no easy way to write on it and there’s no easy way helping your friends through it, and fug trying to help yourself through it. In just the past week I’ve seen co-workers, friends and even myself run the gauntlet of feelings from elation to downright hate-filled frustration. The confusion, even when things are going good, can leave you strung out and weak and yet running back for more abuse of the heart.

Love is an enigma wrapped in bologna wrapped in a mystery and then buried in a Dairy Queen Blizzard at the bottom of mashed potatoes, corn, potato wedges topped with fried chicken, cheese and gravy, in that order. (Just to recap that’s: enigma>bologna>mystery>blizzard>mashed potatoes>corn>potato wedges>fried chicken>cheese>gravy.) It’s that deep, kinda like the stuff we bring to you hear on the regular. (Funny aside, the other week at the Skinny I was berated by the bartender for using the phrase, ‘on the regular’. Look: Mara, Yes I was raised in the suburbs of Detroit and yes I like to use soul slang from time to time and no I don’t care if you think I’m corny. And, yeah, I’ll have two more PBRs with a side of verbal abuse. Thank you)

Look, here’s the point (I think): Love is like bobsledding - you meet up with your partner at the top of the track where you’re both on top of the world and you breathe in the fresh air and think about how awesome it is to be on top of the world with this one person who you’re going to go through some crazy shit with and who you’re excited to have all close to you like seconds away from touching you in happy places but you’re trying to play it all cool-like cause you’re only wearing a semi-see-through spandex full body suit and getting all excited in that would be embarrassing….er….where was I? Oh right, so you’re on top of the world and then you say ‘GO!’ and off you go. Straight downhill where you’ll eventually either crash or just reach the end. Um, maybe you get married one day but I have no idea of what the bobsled equivalent of that is. I guess that’s like coming in fourth (unless you find a trophy wife/husband) and then coming back to the Olympics four years later in a six man bobsled or something.

Sing the theme song: Love is cold, like an icy track/and once you start there just ain’t no, turning back/You slide and turn, through tunnels and shit/it’s the bobsled of love, just try not to crash it/ ohhhhhhhhhh, yeeeeaaahhhh/ singing bout the bobsled of love, said I’m/ loving the bobsled of love/ and there’s a captain in my pants.

on the microphone i come correct

spent a smashing weekend in annapolis (doogie howser) MD this weekend with the captain and crew, including the lovely ms. L train, aka L Ren Hubbard, who provided the non-climatized transport vehicle. and while i was highly in love with maxing out and doing nothing all weekend except for the occasional water-ski-fall-on-your-face manuevering, i couldn't help but feel a slight twinge of excitement in my stomach as we made our way across the goethals and then the verazano and then the BQE and then down Flatbush Avenue where we turned right on 4th Avnue and then where i had to schlep my suitcase and other shite up the subway platform...ahem...i couldn't help but feel excitement a-bubblin' down below as my mind wandered on to the topic of food and the many options that the NYC has to offer.

and what did i go for upon returning to my humble abode after two days of eating crabs and slightly mediocre pizza in annapolis? why, not the superior slices of Rosarios. no, fair readers, the commando reached for his phone and dialed 1-800-Vindaloo-Vandal, aka Khushie on Essex St., aka Lamb Vindaloo with two orders of garlic Naan. I then proceeded to sit in my un-air conditioned apartment last night with sweat dripping off of my arms and into my spicy herb sauce and crush an indian feast fit for a sacred cow. needless to say, i felt a slight discomfort in and around the gluteous maximus come morning time.

but i had no fear, because these things usually subside early enough in the day and i can continue on my way. my fearless counterpart on the other hand has informed me that he has just returned from an all expenses paid vacation to the pergatury known as, "all-you-can-eat indian buffet". do i need to tell you...what the f*ck you can do...with an all you can eat...indian... buffet? INDIAN!!! what madman dares venture out, in the light of day no less, to an all you can eat buffet filled with rogans and vindaloos and tiki-marsalas? what level of effort does it take to put on a face of bravery for the remainder of the day and pretend as though godzilla is not doing tai-b0 in your lower intestine? perhaps average americans such as you and i will never know. but for one brave man...er...captain, carefully navigating the sea of spices that is sure to produce titanic sized vessels of stink, we salute you.

sing the theme song: there's no stopping the buffet force/just gobble that shit/ditch the knives and forks/and when your plate's all clear but you want some more/ just go up again/ that's what a buffet's for/ uh yeah, roganzilla gonna getcha, uh yeah, gonna do a tap dance then jump for joy

Ever wake up to find.......

Today was unfortunatly one of those days. Wanted to kill everyone.....made some enemies today. But these wise words helped get me through. Thanks mick

Did you ever wake up to find
A day that broke up your mind
Destroyed your notion of circular time

Its just that demon life has got you in its sway
Its just that demon life has got you in its sway

Aint flinging tears out on the dusty ground
For all my friends out on the burial ground
Cant stand the feeling getting so brought down

Its just that demon life has got me in its sway
Its just that demon life has got me in its sway
"Sway" Mick Jagger

When you are havin' a tough day, i recommend this song. Ain't music great!

hey son, i keep planets in orbit

Holla atcha hola, el spaniards! Just want to extend a hearty 'happy Thursday' to all the new HBCC members out there. What is the HBCC you ask? Well, stupid, it's the Handsome Bobsled, Captain Commando club. Well, shouldn't it be the HBCCC then you might ask? No. no no no no no no, because Handsome and I say so. Quit asking questions. Look, you click on that link to the right there, the little orange box with the white, wavy lines in it, and you can get automatic updates anytime that Handsome and myself write something. That way, when you're sitting at work and you're looking for a way to kill time until 5pm and its only 10:51 in the morning, you'll be able to check your email, read the post, wet your pants and get sent home early. It's just that easy.

So welcome to the HBCC. Boblsed or die. Steady as she goes, Captain. what what, uh yeah, what.

Lets Talk Business: My Company's Mission Statement

Let me try my hand at some
professional
satire......


Here I sit broken hearted
I came here to shit
And only farted

i can't run away or put my gun away, you can't front on me

when you're out cruising the rican day parade with the homeland security SUV following close behind, just remember that you might be bad, but there are two who will always be badder than you and even bobsled and handsome. who are these legends we speak of?
TEKKA DON - THE ASIAN INFUSION KILLAROGAN JOSH - MUTTON COOKED WITH INTENSELY HOT AND FRAGRANT SPICESsing the theme song: josh and don, don and josh, you ready rogan? you damn right tekka. grab your naan and wasabi and let's fight for justice. word, josh and don, don and josh, WORD UP.

Shout Out to Bobsled

I just wanted to throw a shout to the Bobsled Himself. He just called me from some airport where he keeps getting delayed. It has happened to all of us but this is a Friday. That means he is in a hurry back to the Hatten to drop some substances into his body to produce fun and laughter. So I have in cluded a few pictures to try to chear him up. I am also going to include the Delta Airlines Customer Care Number so you can call and bitch at them on Bobsleds Behalf! I am sure he will appreciate all of your support. Enjoy the weekend Americans!!!!!
***Bobsled's Plane***

Delta Airlines Customer Care:

1-800-335-8241

And Bobsled was nice enough to send us a picture mail of himself at the airport!

AND OUR WEEKLY WELCOME TO THE WEEKEND PICTURE IS.......Yes a picture of my mother feeding me and my sisters many years ago. Ahhh the good years. Have a good weekend -Meow!

halfway home and my pager still blowin up

Hello kids. Commandos don’t usually get all weepy and sentimental, but Bobsled Commandos do – quite frequently. It comes from not being able to keep our mood swings in check. One minute I’m up, the next I’m even higher and then finally I come plunging back to Earth into a deep, dark pool of self-loathing.

So after having one hell of an amazing weekend in the ‘hattan, and after crushing a bottle of house wine last night, you can imagine the Urban-Iccarus-like fall I experienced as Monday began to loom.

Let me first back that ass up. One of my best friends ever, and now engaged to be married, visited this weekend and, needless to say, stories were told, beers were drunk, other things happened and all was well and good in the world, even when he and his fiancée woke me up after four hours of sleep to play impromptu tour guide. What made the weekend even more, dare I say, ‘magical’ was that my bestest buddy from back in the day and his hot fiancée were able to meet up with and party with my new bestest buds in the world (who’s world is this?) and all was even more weller and righted in the world, despite the fact that the g*ddamned Pistons couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn.

I digress. We threw it down all weekend. Becoming good friends with someone is not something that just happens over night. You cannot simply snap your fingers and say, “Let us be friends!” But it is something that can easily be picked up again despite not seeing one another for a year or more. This weekend I was reminded of just how lucky I am to have friends like I do. And so, as a tribute to those friends, I present the following:

Episode 11.16 (#6364): "Rockumentary" 11/30/91 (10:30 am)
(11.16)Casey Kasem -as himself
(11.16)Mindy Wallace -Stacie Foster
(11.16)Brian Fate -Nick Brooks
(11.16)"the High Geek" -unbilled

Casey Kasem narrates the rise and fall and rise again of the gang's band (sans Jessie), Zack Attack. [Jessie is absent from this episode. In this version of Zack Attack, Kelly is the lead singer and Jessie is not in the band.]

Couple of things here:
1. This is probably one of the best episodes of Saved By the Bell ever.
2. It features some of the worst, fake-instrument playing ever.
3. Apparently one of the guest stars is ‘the high geek’ yet no actor name is listed. Did someone try to make a name for themselves as the actor known as ‘the high geek’? Plus, WTF, aside from the episode where Jesse gets hooked on pills, when did SbtB ever discuss the topic of drugs? I need to go back and study this episode more closely apparently.
4. Saved Fans might also note that this was the second and last time Casey Kasem made a cameo. The other was episode, Episode 9.2 (#6318): "Dancing to the Max", features a dance contest hosted at the Max with Casey Kasem as the host. Kelly and Slater are partners and so are Zack and Jessie. Lisa has a partner until he backs out when she sprains her ankle, but Screech comes to her rescue. F*ck yeah Screech.
5. Rockumentary featuring Zack Attack aired in 1991. I officially feel very old.
6. You can buy the Saved by the Bell album here
7. Here are the lyrics, in case you don’t already know:
We met some time ago,
When we were so young.
We've been through thick and thin,
We've lost, we've tied, we've won.

Friends forever,
With you everywhere.
Friends forever,
Always will be friends.

If you're down,
I'll pick you up,
I'll never let you fall.
If you ever need someone,
I'm waiting for your call.

We'll be friends forever,
We'll be friends,
Talkin' 'bout friends..
Always will be there,
Will be there. Will be there.

Through it all, hangin' tough,
We'll stay side by side.
We'll be friends forever,
Til' the end of time.

Friends forever,
We'll be friends,
Talkin' 'bout friends.
Always will be there,
Yeah, yeah friends.
Always be friends.
We'll be friends together.
Yes we will,
Yes we will,
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oohhhh.

a party ain't a party till its ran all through

Promiscuous boys and girls: have a good weekend, go Pistons, dance dance revolution, and viva fajitas. One, two, three, four, STEP

ATTENTION: ENTERTAINMENT ALERT

Pardon my language but, holy fucken shit. The world is ending. Seriously, run for cover. Run for Fucking Cover. I have seen the sign of the apocolypse and it is close. As close as 6/3. We ended May on a good/pathetic/fun/inebriated/whatever note but June is starting out like a gang buster. Enough of my rantings, see for yourself. Then try not to laugh. Steven Segal is going on a concert tour!!!!!

Steven Seagal Calendar
Friday, June 2nd 2006
06.03.2006
Chiller Theatre Toy Model and Film Expo- Secaucus, NJ
06.04.2006
Cricket Pavilion- Phoenix, AZ, USA
06.06.2006
The Fillmore- San Francisco, CA, USA
06.08.2006
Oroville, CA- Gold Country Casino
06.10.2006
McAllen, TX- Pepe's on the River
06.11.2006
New Orleans, LA- House of Blues
06.13.2006
Variety Playhouse- Atlanta, GA, USA
06.14.2006
New Daisy Theatre- Memphis, TN, USA
06.15.2006
Exit/In- Nashville, TN, USA
06.16.2006
Mount Pleasant, MI- Soaring Eagle Casino
06.18.2006
Chicago, IL- House of Blues
06.20.2006
Pittsburgh, PA- Rex Theatre
06.21.2006
House of Blues- Cleveland, OH, USA
06.22.2006
Hagerstown, MD- The Maryland Theatre
06.23.2006
House of Blues- Atlantic City, NJ, USA
06.24.2006
Madison Square Garden- New York City, NY, USA
06.24.2006
The Big Apple Comic book, Art, Toy and Sci-Fi Expo- SIGNING
06.25.2006
BB Kings- New York, NY, USA
06.27.2006
The Birchmere- Alexandria, VA, USA
09.13.2006
L'Olympia Hall - Paris, France
09.15.2006
Arena De Geneve - Geneva, Switzerland
09.17.2006
Forest National - Brussels, Belgium
09.19.2006
Cultuurpodium Boerderij at Zoetermeer - Netherlands/Holland

GOD HELP US ALL...

CAPTAIN HANDSOME WILL BE ATTENDING THE JUNE 25TH SHOW AT B.B. KINGS. Not a fan, just to laugh at him. No seriously. Ok his ballads are kinda nice. -CH

Have a Great Weekend. Skyballs and Skyscrapers For All

Know what I mean?







And don't forget the McKittens!!!!!

Also a very special welcome to Ashmo and Ryan Baconrocker to NYC this weekend. Hold onto your skyballs.............

Who's World is This.....
Who's Wold is This.....
Who's World is This....
Its mine Its mine

Its Yours Its Yours......Holla at ya weekend crackastacka's - CH

This being the first day of June, yesterday the last day of May, we now pay respect to all the fine things that happened in the month of May (in no particular order):
1.) April ended
2.) It rained
3.) Baseball games were played
4.) We paid our respects to all the great men and women of this country who have fought to make it America with a capital ‘A’, which is also the first letter in words like Awesome, Amazing, Ass-kicking, Absolutelyfuckingphenomenal and Asylum, among others (hey, Among, cool).
5.) Basketball games were played
6.) Hockey games were played (we think)
7.) That weekend we all got really wasted. That was a good one.
8.) Rafting! Ohiopyle stand up….Park Rangers Sit down (sidenote: Ranger Rodger provided what could be considered the quote of the month when he inquired, "Have you all ever been in MY park before?" Your park? Eat a dick ranger, I'm gettin lifted.)
9.) Handsome pimped the ho’s
10.) The ware ended
11.) Saw a movie
12.) Some people probably got laid (handsome, check…bobsled, negatron)
13.) Um…world records? Any world records this month?
14.) NAS came to Radio City and us the world…Its mine, Its mine
15.) Not one trip to Motor City…June better be better
16.) K.P. Fan Club set new enrollment records
17.) Saw the Botanical Gardens
18.) Invented Vodka Sangria
19.) Jack Bower Won….then lost
20.) An new American Idol was crowned…while American dignity was flushed down the toilet
21.) Damn humidity is back – AC Check!
22.) Self improvement was elusive
23.) Eddie was not

And that's a wrap! Gooooooood motherf*ckin luck in June, motherf*ckas!